Antidotes to Entitlement

Last week, I posted an ironic blog by Dr. Christine Carter about how to make our children feel entitled. Today, I will explore entitlement more deeply and give some antidotes to entitlement.

Let’s look at a definition of entitlement given by the American Psychiatric Association as, “unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment.” How does entitlement relate to gratitude? It is the opposite of gratitude. The paradox of entitlement is that when we always get what we want, we may appreciate it less.  

Often, entitlement is linked with expectations. In a humorous scene from Harry Potter that I read to my son recently, expectations are beautifully exemplified as Dudley, Harry’s spoiled cousin, is counting his birthday presents and instead of being thankful, he erupts in anger when he notices that he didn’t get as many gifts as he did the year before.

Likewise, in life sometimes we build up expectations of what we should get and if we don’t get it as quickly as we like, we also may be upset. As parents and educators, our reactions in life are showing our children how to act, whether we realize it or not. Thus, our responses to the frustrations of not getting what we want as quickly as we want it, may give our children and students a wrong example of how to act. But, we do not have to be perfect, just apply some awareness to our actions in those situations and try to start changing those reactions.

Here is the good news: applying gratitude in our families is a powerful step to displace entitlement. When we employ one of the gratitude strategies in our families, we are allowing a new way of thinking and acting to form. We can start a family gratitude journal, share three good things that happened today around the dinner table or write gratitude letters. .

Another option is to allow family members to choose an activity. Visit the Greater Good Science Center Website to find instructions on 7 different gratitude activities to choose from at:

http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=gratitude

Nevertheless, change doesn’t always happen quickly in our families. We need to be patient and realize we are trying to supersede some entrenched habits of thinking and acting.

We can take gratitude further and make it an action in our families. Transforming gratitude from a feeling to an action can be a challenge, but altruistic actions, practiced as a family can also help. I heard one friend put it succinctly, “Don’t tell me how grateful you are, show me how grateful you are.”

Coming from a foundation of gratitude, families can undertake acts of altruism and compassion to foster gratitude and overtake those feelings of entitlement. Moreover, by demonstrating gratitude as a family, we are helping to re-calibrate our priorities and to eliminate those overpowering feelings of privilege.

Here is a story from my family about practicing gratitude and what we learned from the endeavor. Last Christmas, our neighbors had the creative and powerful idea to make little “survival” kits for homeless people. The idea was that our two families would get together and make a list of the things that should be in these kits. Next, we would split the list and purchase the items. Finally, we would have a little party where we would talk about the joy of helping others as our children helped us assemble the kits.

In the kits, my son thought everyone should have a toothbrush and soap, so they would feel clean. We also inserted protein bars because our neighbor’s child said that when she was hungry and away from home, a protein bar always made her tummy feel better. So, we put all the kits together in a big box and took them to the local homeless shelter.

As we undertook this activity, we wove in gratitude, talking about how fortunate we are to have a house, where we feel safe and can take a shower anytime we want. Also, we expressed our thankfulness for all the food we have at our fingertips and the fact that we never really have to feel hungry.

This activity had some far-reaching positive results. The next time we ventured into downtown Atlanta to visit the zoo, our son saw a homeless person and said, “Look, there is one of the homeless people we helped. Can we do that again to help more people?” Of course we will do that again and bring more gratitude into our lives while helping others.