Gratitude and Grief - My Brother Steve

In my life, one of the people I am most grateful for is my oldest brother Steve. Steve was a musician, a naturalist and poet. He taught me how to play guitar, took me back-packing, encouraged me to read great literature, like Moby Dick, and inspired me to write. I am deeply grateful for all of these gifts he shared with me. I would not be writing this blog without his passion for writing and showing me the power of the written word.

Passionately, Steve would describe the shamanistic power of words and how the act of writing has the power to heal us and also articulate those aspects of life that seem impossible to pin down. He presented a new concept, that words have the power to create a bridge between our minds that connects us and allow us to communicate even when space or time may separate us otherwise.

I feel that power of words more than ever because a few years ago, I lost my brother unexpectedly, but I still feel connected to him. As I approach the anniversary of his passing, I have some new gratitude for him. The gratitude for my brother grows and somewhat surprisingly, our relationship still grows.

Often, I reflect on all the aspects of my being that he influenced. He loved music and movies. In college, he was a critic for the college paper. When I was only 7 years old, I modeled myself after him. I asked him how I could become a critic and he told me to start writing reviews of movies, music and books, asking questions like, “What made that movie enjoyable?” or “Why was that movie so moving?’ Those questions sparked my enthusiasm for writing.

Still, I always doubted my abilities and never thought it was possible to write or have anything published. But he believed in me, as well as encouraging me to write and keep improving my writing skills. Recently, when I started a project to write a book, I thanked him out loud. I smiled as I realized how vibrantly he is still with me. I know that physically losing someone does not end a relationship. As I see his influence in my life, I feel our relationship still grow.

Reflecting on the gratitude I have for Steve, I think back to the last night we were together. I had flown to California to see my parents and he showed up unexpectedly, boarding a plane with just a toothbrush and his prized, Martin guitar. That night, he asked, “Do you want to go in the back yard and play guitar?” I was exhausted after a busy week and knew I needed sleep for the flight the next day, but I told him, ‘Sure, let’s do it.” I am so glad that I took this final chance to be with him.

The sun was setting as we sat down and started jamming. After I showed him a new song I was working on, we started playing and lost track of time as we fell into the groove. He played one of his favorite Grateful Dead songs and I accompanied him. After a few hours, we both stood up and gave each other a strong, deep hug. We really had connected in that deep and profound way that only music allow.

After replaying this scene in my head, I started to feel how gratitude can help when I am experiencing loss by letting a little love and light come in to start the healing. Every time I pick up a guitar, I am reminded of the gift of music he gave me. Now, I teach guitar and have the opportunity to give back a gift that Steve gave me.

After he passed away, I received my brother’s Martin guitar. I had ambivalent feelings about getting it. I was afraid that having the guitar might remind me of how much I missed Steve. Thankfully, I didn't experience those negative feelings. When I opened the guitar case to find the smell of his cigarettes that I used to find unpleasant, the smell actually evoked a pleasant memory, reminding me of his presence.

Taking some lyrics Steve wrote, I spent a few months putting music to his words, feeling him guide me. A friend volunteered his basement studio to record the song. Of course, on the recording, I played his Martin guitar.

Hesitantly, I shared this song and story with my family and then played it for my students on Steve’s Martin guitar. I felt like this might be too painful to share or that it might bring up some sad memories. On the contrary, everyone expressed gratitude for sharing it. Some people even said that it helped them work through their losses and find hope that they could honor the loss of their loved ones and still enjoy their memories. One parent sent an email, saying that their daughter was so touched by the story of my brother, that she was finally able to talk about losing her grandmother and start the healing process.

I still have an ongoing conversation with Steve and feel his influence on me as well as his presence in my life. My son, who never met Steve, asks about him. I recount many stories of Steve and his intelligence, passion and humor as well as the gratitude I have for the gifts he gave that I can now pass on. 

When Death Comes – A Poem by Mary Oliver

This is one of the best poems I have discovered lately. I heard someone read it on a podcast and it brightened my day. It deals with a challenging subject, death, but puts it in a new light for me. 

Enjoy.

    When Death Comes – A Poem by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.

I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

Stuck at Starbucks in the Snow

In Atlanta, we have had a crazy week of weather. It is Thursday morning and we got 3 inches of snow last night. Incredibly, this week we have been out of school 3 out of the 4 days so far. A beautiful blanket of snow awaits my 6-year old, my wife and I after we eat breakfast.

Monday was OK, but Tuesday morning, I woke to icy roads and snow. I checked and school wasn't called off, so I got in my car and carefully headed off for work. My neighbor was also leaving at the same time, so I followed his tracks through the fresh snow. When we got to the main road, I got a little nervous because I started sliding on the ice, but I have driven in the snow before, so I thought I would make it. After all, I survived Snow-mageddon last year in Atlanta, where thousands were stranded overnight on the roads in a freak snow storm, but I was grateful for a 6 hour commute through the icy roads that day.

When I got on the freeway and started climbing the first hill, my heart started racing as I felt my car's traction slipping. I took some deep breaths and thought of turning around and going home, but that would be just as dangerous at that point, so I carefully crested the hill and made it to flatter ground. I felt my shoulders tense and tried to relax but stay alert. A few unlucky cars were already in the middle median and off on the shoulder. The roads were so treacherous that the police had closed the freeway in the opposite direction going down the hill.

After an hour, I made it my off-ramp and saw I had a text. I looked at it(while safely stopped) and saw that school was delayed until 10:30. Since the roads were so bad and I was 25 miles from home, I went a few blocks slowly to Starbucks. This Starbucks is always jammed, but I do stop once by once in a while to indulge in a Late with a gift card a generous student has given me. So, I called my wife, let her know I made it OK, but I told her I wish I was home, sipping a hot chocolate with her and my son. I even felt a little resentment that school didn’t send the text earlier and saved me the dangerous commute.

As she so gracefully does, my wife reminded me that I am always saying I don’t have enough time to write my book, a big project that will be due in September. I try to make progress when I have a few spare minutes, but big chunks of time are hard to find. The other irony here is that the book is about “gratitude” and I did not feel much gratitude until she reminded me about it. I was relieved to have made it to Starbucks, but I was stressed and my nerves were a little frazzled. I sipped my Veranda-blend coffee, sat down and started to graciously accept my situation.

It is funny, the two things that do seem to be in short supply in many of our lives are time and money. An old boss used to remind me of the importance of time by saying, “You can make more money, but you can’t make more time.” I have taken this to heart as I watch my son grow up too quickly and want to savor every moment with him and my wife.

A little deserted with only a couple people scattered throughout the coffee bar, I got a prime spot by the window and opened me computer. I did my gratitude list, felt better and then delved earnestly into one of the chapters I am working on. My sister, Diane, has been generously editing my work and it feels so good to be making progress. I hoped to get her off another chapter by the time the roads cleared.

Suddenly, the young man sitting near me picked up his phone and started to become agitated, saying, “If I don’t make it to court in an hour, I will go to jail.” This caught my attention. He went on to say that he realized the roads were bad, but he needed a ride and a taxi would cost $200. I immediately tried to think if I could help him, but needed to know where he had to go. When he got off the phone and we talked, it turned out be too far for me to take him and be back in time for school. It turns out this young man had just got off a graveyard shift and didn't have a car. Finally, the person originally slated to take him couldn't get through the snow and he was stuck.

The disconsolate young man said, “I will walk in the snow and hopefully make it there in a few hours and the judge may take pity on me.” I was trying to think of other options for him.

But then, miraculously, the woman with a few kids sitting near us said that her husband telecommutes and he could possible take him to court.  It felt so encouraging to hear this woman offer help to a stranger. In 15 minutes, her husband arrived and they went off to the courthouse. They got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I complimented the helpful woman and told her that her good deed was commendable. She simple said that she had been helped in her life and it was her turn and that she takes every opportunity to help others. She went on to say she has been given so much, she should give back. It turns out she was also a teacher and her school was also delayed. As we talked, I told her that the example she is demonstrating to her children is extremely powerful. I followed her 3 beautiful children as they went out to play in the snow. I crunched some snow underneath my shoes, took a deep breath of the frigid air and felt deeply alive and connected, after witnessing this noble action. Here is a photo of the snowman they built.

Instead of writing the book, I got to know her and enjoyed being “stuck at Starbucks.” The book waiting until later and it was easier to write because I was a witness to some true “gratitude in action.”

We never know what will happen in life, but when we observe these altruistic acts of giving and kindness, we are reminded that the world truly is filled with kind people and the world is a good place, even with all the indicators that seem to be saying that the world is a miserable place that is only getting worse.

I will end the blog with a quote this compassionate woman gave me:

"Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can."-John Wesley

The Challenges and the Miracles of My First Year Teaching

After 10 years in the classroom, I have been reflecting on my early days in the trenches of education. Recalling these stories and life lessons have given me a new appreciation of this journey.

My first year teaching, I entered the classroom with idealistic dreams. I went through extra training in pedagogy that tempered those lofty goals and gave me many tools I was anxious to use.  I taught 7^th grade science in an inner-city school and saw 120 students a day.  Sadly, within a few weeks, dealing with a multitude of challenges, I quickly slipped into survival mode and questioned my decision to become a teacher.  But, small and sometimes tremendous miracles did happen that kept me moving forward.

Because I had been practicing gratitude and keeping a gratitude list, I still kept a decent attitude through all the challenges of that first year.  A fellow teacher commented that even though my first year was tough and she saw me struggle, I kept the most positive attitude she had ever seen. That positive outlook did help me, but I didn’t see how it could apply with the students yet.

Of all the things I have done in my life, getting through my first year of teaching was by far my most challenging undertaking. And yes, during that first year, I would reach those transcendent moments where I did connect with the student and felt the magic that happens when the classroom unites in learning.

Angel

During my first week of teaching, one day I came across one of my student, Angel, sitting in the hallway with some sheet music. I asked, “Are you a musician?”

 She said, “No, but I love to sing and I am learning a new song.” I asked her if she would sing for me, but Angel said, “No, Mr. Griffith, I am too shy.”

As I walked away I said, “Someday, when you are ready, you will sing for me.”

Then, a month later, Angel saw me in hallway and said, “Mr. Griffith, I am ready today.” I tried to think about what she meant. Through the tornado of activity that first month, I forgot about that previous interaction. But, she brought out the sheet music, and I remembered it all. I realized that she had been working for a month on the song and getting her courage up just for this day. I asked her if she would perform for the class, but she said, “No, I will sing just for you.”

When the students all exited the classroom, she closed her eyes, and a voice came out of her that fit her name. It truly seemed like an angel had entered the classroom as she sang. I closed my eyes and enjoyed connecting with her on a different level.

As I listened, I also realized the power to inspire we have as teachers, and that when we challenge our students, they will often respond positively. In addition, she inspired me to bring my guitar into the classroom and share music with my students, integrating it into class. While she grew in her courage through this interaction, I grew in my ability to connect with my students by seeing that there are many ways to reach students outside the traditional paradigms.

As the year progressed, I kept doing the things that worked, but classroom management was getting in the way of my lessons. This was a tough school, and I was breaking up fights in my classroom, as well as dealing with students who had given up on life by the 7^th grade. I wanted to reach all these students so much, but I could only connect from time to time with a small fraction of them.

Many nights, I would wake up at 3 AM, haunted by all the things going wrong with my teaching. This is when I would do a personal gratitude list and still find the good things happening among all the apparent problems. This kept me going through those darkest hours. Just when I thought of quitting and going back to my old career, a major miracle happened.

Robert

Robert was a tough 7^th grader who didn’t seem to care about school or anything else. By his own admission, he was on the brink of joining a gang and failing every subject. When I would pass out the science assignment for the day, he would say, “Mr. G., science doesn’t mean anything in my life.” Then, he would ceremoniously crumple up the assignment and throw it in the trash saying, “I’ll take an “F” for the day.” This bothered me tremendously, and I tried different things to reach him, but didn’t seem to get through.

Then after Christmas Break, one day I handed out a new assignment about the scientific method. Surprisingly, Robert looked intently at the page and said, “Will you help me with this Mr. G?” After what he said registered in my brain, I quickly went to his desk and guided him through the scientific method. On the way home that night, I found myself smiling and wondering what happened to Robert. The next thing that ran through my mind was, “Will this change last, or was it a one day anomaly?”

The next day, we delved further into the scientific method, and Robert asked more questions. Even more shocking, he started helping some of his fellow students who used to throw the papers away right along with Robert. Robert’s turn around came at my darkest hour in the classroom. I don’t know if I would have kept going if it hadn’t been for this minor miracle.

But I realized it wasn’t just a minor miracle. When a student who was thinking about joining a gang and failing every subject turned around and not only got straight A’s in my science class but also got straight A’s in every subject by the end of the year, helped other students in academics, and stayed out of trouble, I realized I was a small part of a major mireacle. When I had one award to give at the end of the year, I gave it to Robert and felt overwhelmed with joy as he walked across the stage at the assembly to receive his award. His parents came to the ceremony and were beaming with the same joy we all shared that day.

Astonished and encouraged by this student’s turn around, I asked my mentor if she had a student like this every year, and she said that she has not had any students like this in her seven years of teaching. I examined Robert’s dramatic about face with his other teachers, but we could not locate that specific instance that changed him and got him on a positive track. When I asked Robert what had happened, he said, “You never gave up on me and kept trying with me Mr.G.” I was reminded of a saying from a pedagogy course that said, “All it takes to change a student’s life is the appropriate adult at the appropriate time.”

Spirituality of Storytelling-Part 5

I am still enjoying writing down the stories that I tell my 4th graders. They get one story every Friday and it is the highlight of the week for many of them. Even the students who do not seem interested at other times are usually riveted when I tell one of my "Mr. Griffith Stories." They will even ask me to retell some of their favorites. Storytelling is spiritual and educational. Here are two more of my favorites:

“Mouse Trap”

On a farm, a farmer and wife lived with a chicken, a pig and a mouse. One day, the mouse overheard the farmer talking to his wife, saying that he decided it was time to get rid of the mouse, so he will get mouse trap.  Alarmed by this, the mouse goes to tell his friend the chicken, asking if the chicken will help him. The chicken is unconcerned and says, “This doesn't concern me, take care of it yourself.”

Disappointed, but still hopeful, the mouse went to see his other friend, the pig, again asking for help. The pig said the same thing to the mouse, that this didn't affect the pig so the mouse should figure it out yourself. Discouraged, the mouse went and hid in his hole.

The next day, the farmer’s wife was awakened with a loud snap as an animal was caught in the mouse trap. All the animals were relieved when they heard that it was a snake that was caught in the trap. But when the farmer’s wife went to get the snake out of the trap, it bit her and she got very ill. To help his wife feel better, the farmer killed the chicken to make soup for his ailing wife. Sadly, the wife got worse and died. So, the farmer killed the pig to feed all the mourners at his wife’s funeral.
So, when a mouse comes asking for help, try to help, it will eventually affect us all.

“The Banquet Hall”

One night, a man had a dream. He was a psychologist and he dreamed of conducting his ultimate research study. In this study, there was a huge banquet hall with a delicious feast for everyone at the table. But, the people at the table had long forks that were attached to their hands, so they could not pick up the food, but were forced to use the utensils. These forks were 48 inches long, so long in fact, that no one was able to get the food to their mouths. Everyone kept trying, but no one could get the food in their own mouths. The people were becoming emaciated, frustrated and depressed.

Just as quickly as this room had appeared, he was transported to another room with the exact same gourmet food and the exact same forks attached to the hands of a new group of people. But, in this banquet hall, all the people were smiling, talking and even laughing. They did not look like they are starving. Then, he noticed the difference, in this room, the people are all feeding each other with the long forks.

Being a scientist, he had to find the difference. So, he asked a man at the table why they were feeding each other? The man said that everyone started to try to feed themselves and failed miserable. Finally, one woman asked the man next to her if she could try to put some food in his mouth with her long fork. It worked. When others saw this, they all started feeding each other and instantly changed the atmosphere of the room from frustration to joy.

I asked the 4^th graders what this story means. One boy said that if someone is willing to help, their example can change the world around them. I like that.

Quotes to end the blog:

“I'm not young enough to know everything.”

- J.M. Barrie






“The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook.”

- William James

Spirituality of Storytelling-Part 4

"Do a Good Deed and Don’t Get Caught”

The following is a true story that the students enjoy every year. I had a friend named Elizabeth who was one of the happiest people I knew. Always with a smile on her face, she seemed to weather the storms in life with equanimity and she truly enjoy the simple pleasures. Once, I asked her how she seemed to stay so positive and she told me this story.

When she was a young adult, she was focused on her life and getting what she wanted, yet she found life unsatisfying. She was talking to a mentor in her life and her mentor gave her an assignment. The assignment was to do a good deed and not get found out. She was given specific instructions.

She was told to purchase a dozen roses and go to a nursing home, walk up to the front desk and tell the receptionist to give the dozen roses to someone who never gets any visitors. Then, she had to turn around and leave before the receptionist had a chance to thank her or say anything. Next, the hardest part is not to tell anyone she did it.

So, Elizabeth did it per instruction. She felt so good walking out of the nursing home that she picked up her phone and almost called her best friend to share the wonderful experience. But, she caught herself just in time and hung up. All through the day, she was thinking about what she did and she felt the urge to tell someone and let it out, but she knew she wanted to follow directions and see what happened.

For the next couple days, Elizabeth felt like she was bursting and really wanted to share this with friends and co-workers, but she kept it in. On the third day, as she was driving home, she said she felt a new feeling inside, it was almost like a ray of sunshine in her heart because she had done something good for someone else and didn't need to brag of get recognition as she usually did. Thus, there was something inside her that would grow as she found more ways, both big and small, to help her family, friends, co-workers and even strangers and not get caught.

A month later, when she recounted the story to her mentor, she was told that she could relay the story now to inspire others to do good deeds and not get caught. Oprah Winfrey and others have encouraged “Random Acts of Kindness” which is powerful. Also, the movie “Pay It Forward” dealt with this idea, but I like Elizabeth’s take and I encourage my students to do this and see how it makes them feel, to see if that sunshine gets planted in their hearts and starts to grow as they find the pure joy in helping others for the sake of helping, not getting the kudos for doing it. It may not be surprising that 4th graders seem to find this easier than some adults.
Quote to end story:

“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.”

- John Lennon

“The Starfish”

A young couple got married and had an ideal cottage on the shore on an isolated beach on the island of Kauai in Hawaii. Deeply in love, they were enjoying every moment together. One morning, the new wife woke up to find her husband was not in bed. She went and checked the kitchen, but he wasn't there either. Looking outside, she saw the sun cresting the mountainside and her husband on the beach, picking up starfish. This was such an odd sight that she ran outside to see what he was doing.

As she approached him, she saw starfish all over the beach, thousands and thousands of starfish everywhere. Her husband looked up and said, “Do you see this, a freak storm last night washed all these starfish on the shore and they will all die if we don’t get them back in the water.” 

She looked at him and said, “There are so many starfish, there is no way we can save them all, why don’t we just accept that they won’t survive and get on with the honeymoon? It won’t make a difference.” He looked at her, picked up a starfish, walked it back into the ocean and said, “It makes a difference to this one.” Looking around, she knew that even if they couldn't help them all, every one they could help would make a difference, so she picked up the closest starfish and smiled as she walked into the water. The long day they helped the starfish ended up being the best day of their honeymoon.

An afterward to this story, I find this story helpful as a teacher, because sometimes it feels like we can’t help all those stranded starfish we encounter in the classroom, but we can enjoy each one we bring back to shore.

Are You a Giver or a Taker?

My wonderful sister Nancy, who has been the inspiration of much of my gratitude, sent a powerful fax to me from ExecTech, a management company she works with. The fax was about determining if we are givers or takers. It really got me thinking.

Below is the fax from ExecTech. Interestingly, I usually think of myself as a “Giver”, but in the questionnaire below, I found myself surprisingly on the “Taker” list more than I would have imagined. It brought some awareness to some of my behavior, so I will try to bring the light of awareness into my life and actions by being less selfish and more giving, letting go of my expectations. I will take the challenge below.

NOTE: This fax was geared to doctors, so I did change the lists to make them more general. For example, I put “people” in the place of “patients.”

“Danny Tomas was a successful comedian, actor and producer for five decades. He starred in many shows including "Make Room for Daddy" which ran for 13 years. Actress Marlo Tomas is his daughter. 

When he was broke and struggling, he vowed that if his show-business career took off, he would help those in need. So at the peak of his success, he decided to build a hospital that would treat children with life-threatening diseases, while finding new cures. He believed that "no child should die in the dawn of life." 

Danny and his friends built St. Jude Children's Research Hospital in Memphis Tennessee. It is the nation's second largest health-care charity and is supported by over one million volunteers nationwide. Discoveries at St. Jude have changed how doctors treat children with cancer and other catastrophic illnesses.  

Danny Tomas said, "There are two types of people in this world: givers and takers. Takers always eat better, but givers always sleep better." 

10 Signs You Are a Taker 

1.      You focus on getting money more than anything else. 

2.       You use unfair pressure to get what you want. 

3.       As long as someone adds to your bottom line, you support them. If they do not, you ignore           them. 

4.       You search for ways to cheat the IRS and insurance companies with exaggerations and                “gaming the system.” 

5.       If you hurt someone while taking what you want, you have no regrets. 

6.       You truly believe everyone else in this world is just after money, and you hope they will fail. 

7.       You are secretly delighted when others believe your lies and give you what you want. 

8.       You treat everyone as pieces in your game, never teammates. 

9.       You can only give or accept help if it increases your bottom line. 

10.   You eat really well, but you may not sleep well and have health problems. 

10 Signs You Are a Giver 

1.      You measure your success based on many things, not just material success. 

2.       You help others when you can regardless of your bottom line.

3.       As you move up the wealth ladder, you give help to those in need, whenever you can. 

4.       If someone cheats or hurts you, you get even by succeeding more than ever before. 

5.       You celebrate the success of others. 

6.       You do what you do because you love it. 

7.       You increase your happiness with intelligence, hard work and passion. 

8.       You give joy to others. You make them happier which then makes you happier. 

9.       You really sleep well. You feel like smiling most of each day. You feel strong! 

10.   You feel sorry for Takers. You know you will live a longer and happier life than they will.” 

Owen’s Challenge: 

Try to find a new way to give our time, talent and treasure to your family, friends, colleagues, strangers and the world. We may not be able to do something as big as what Danny Thomas did, but we can definitely change our worlds by being Givers.

Here are some more thoughts I had on being a Giver or Taker:

Once at a talk, the leader said he doesn't like to "pigeon-hole" people or minimize them by classifying them, but he still divides everyone in the world to two groups. He asked us all if we could guess the two groups. Someone guessed "Winners/Looser", someone else guessed, "Nice/Mean." Neither answer was right, he said he can put everyone in one of two groups, "Givers" and "Takers." He went on to delineate the characteristics of each. 

First of all, givers are happier because they are thinking about others and not so focused on themselves, their  problems or making everything work out exactly as they think they need it to be to achieve happiness. Givers have more energy because they get back more than they give to others. Altruistic giving has been shown to increase positive neurotransmitters in the giver, receiver and anyone observing the act of giving. People who volunteer or care for others consistently are happier and less depressed.

Conversely, takers feel more depressed as they keep score and try to squeeze out an advantage to every deal. Takers waste opportunities to connect with others as they try to get everything they can in every interaction.

In another life, before I became a teacher, I worked in the business world. In one new employee training, they went over the old business plan and the new ideal. In the past, they said businesses went for the kill, trying to get every penny out of the customer in every deal, sometimes without regard for ethics. The new ideal is to create win/win situations, where we give the customer something in exchange for their long-term business. 

At this training, they went on to talk about "emotional" back accounts. This was eye-opening for me, to think that when we deal with people, we need to make deposits into their emotional bank accounts before we can make a withdrawal. For example, if you ask someone for a favor, they are more likely to do it if you have cultivated a relationship and done something for them. Like a bank account, you can't let your account get negative. I agree with that, but would go on to say the most successful people are the ones who realize they have an enough to spread around and make deposits without keeping track. These are  the true givers in life.

Quotes to end blog: 

“It's not how much we give but how much love we put into giving.” 

― Mother Teresa

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” 
― Charles Dickens

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” 
― Winston S. Churchill

“You give but little when you give of your possessions.
It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” 
― Khalil Gibran

Happy New Year!

As we approach the New Year, I am taking time to reflect on the past year and look forward to 2015. I know that this time of year, many of us make New Year’s resolutions. This can be a positive exercise to focus on areas of our life we would like to improve and make a new start. Many of us have tried this in the past and have not been successful. It is easy to quickly give up on these resolutions when they don’t come easy and we haven’t made an action plan.

I have made resolutions, sometimes more successfully than others, and I actually do this with my 4^th graders. We have developed an action plan that helps us. First we take time to reflect on 6 areas we may want to change:

1. Spiritual
2. Family
3. Professional (for 4^th graders-Education)
4. Physical and Health
5. Fun
6. Financial (4^th graders set goals in 3 areas for money: 1. To save, 2. To give, 3. To spend)

We choose one or two areas to work on. Then, we write actions to take to make these resolutions come true. Next, we pick a partner, a friend or family member, that we can check in with daily at the beginning and then weekly and monthly to see how we are doing and stay accountable. We put the resolutions as goals on a piece of paper and put it somewhere we see it often, like on our refrigerator, in our lockers or on our desks. Finally, we check in every month to see how we are doing on reaching these goals. Looking long term, we even write a letter to ourselves to be opened at the end of the school year, restating the goals and giving encouragement to keep trying if we haven’t achieved these goals yet.

There are many reasons for giving up on these goals, like we may feel we don’t have the time and energy. But, remember that they can be very small goals, like a spiritual goal could be to do a verbal gratitude list at one red light we stop at each day. If we make a reminder to put in our car, or make someone we drive with our partner in the goal, it makes it easier to do. Some of my students and friends have done this and say that it can really help add something positive to a stressful commute. It is interesting, for 4^th graders, most goals are things like: making new friends, getting better grades, or being kinder to siblings. Those are great goals.

Once, someone asked why we have to make these resolutions formal, why not just try to be more loving or get in better shape physically? I like both ideas. But, I know that for me, that doesn't seem to work as well. It is easy to lose those goals in our busy lives if we don’t write them down, make a simple action plan, or check our progress.

Resolutions do not need to be too big or overwhelming and I would recommend choosing one or two to start with. One year, my goal was to wake up 10 minutes early to spend doing yoga, praying and meditating. This one was easy to keep because I found that it helped me get through the day with a smile. I expanded on that and now wake up 30 minutes early and actually look forward to starting the day that way.

Another year, the goal was even smaller, but just as important. When I got in my car, before I turned the ignition, I would take a few deep breaths and just try to get into the present moment.This really helped, but I kept forgetting to do it in my busy day. So, here I readjusted my action plan and put a reminder in my car on my speedometer. That helped and I enjoyed a new peace interjected into my busy and hectic days.

Sometimes, our goals surpass what we envision. Since I was eighteen years old, I have played guitar. But, I was self-taught and I wanted to learn to play better. So, ten years ago, I made a goal to learn to play guitar better and take formal lessons. My action plan was to visit some local music stores and find a guitar teacher, then spend 30 minutes a day practicing, I did that and now I actually teach guitar and started a after-school music program at my school. Even more astonishing, this past few year, with my dear friend Erik, we performed as a guitar duo twice around Atlanta and had a blast. We have a new gig coming up in February and as we jammed to get ready for it, we both realized how we have grown as musicians and friends, far surpassing my initial goal.

Other times, our goals and resolutions are not met or come more slowly. Here, we should not beat ourselves up, but refocus, adjust the goals and keep trying. If it isn't that important any more, let it go and move on to other things. Celebrate the little victories and look for progress, not perfection. You can do this. Have a fantastic year in 2015!

Spirituality of Storytelling-Part 3

First of all, Happy Holidays to everyone. This time of year can be crazy, but try to enjoy this time of year and find something to be grateful for.

As the end of the year quickly approaches, I have been reflecting on this year and it has been a fantastic year with so much growth. One of the biggest parts of growth this year has been writing this blog. I started in May and I have really enjoyed posting and getting comments. Many conversations have started here that I have learned from and still enjoy immensely. I thought this would be a lot of work, but it has been a pleasure. Thank you for all support and encouragement.

One interesting thing for me was to look at all the things I have posted this year and see how often posts are viewed. The one post that was visited much more than the others was my post on Storytelling is Spiritual #1, where I wrote about my favorite story to tell the students,“The House Builder.” If you haven’t read that, go back and check it out, it is short yet powerful.

As I reflected on that story, I thought about the second favorite story to tell the students, along the same lines of the “The House Builder” called “The Cocoon.” These stories hold special power and I save them for Friday afternoons in our classroom. The students are always riveted. When teaching, I look up and often find about half the class looking at me, but when I tell these stories, every student is looking at me intently. There is power in these stories on so many levels. So, here is the story:

“The Cocoon”

"As a woman was walking down the street, she noticed a little white circular object on the sidewalk. She stopped to inspect it and found it was a cocoon. Holding it gently, she could see the little butterfly vigorously trying to get out. This excited her and she suddenly realized that she could help this butterfly gain its freedom. So, she pulled out some nail clippers she had in her purse. Carefully and meticulous, she made a very precise incision around the outside of the chrysalis. Then, she gently laid it down and stood back, ready to see the butterfly get out of the cocoon and happily fly away. Sure enough, the next time the butterfly moved its wings, the cocoon opened and the woman saw a spectacular yellow tiger swallowtail butterfly. She couldn’t help but smile as she gazed at this creature she had just helped gain its freedom.

However, when it tried to fly away, it couldn’t get off the ground. A couple times, it flipped on its back and the woman tried to flip it back over, hoping it would get air born soon. But, after about 10 minutes, it stopped moving and died. The woman was crushed. She had been trying to help, but now felt she had somehow killed the butterfly. Picking up the creature, she went home quickly and called her friend who was a biologist. Relating the story, she asked, “Did I kill it?” He replied that yes, she had killed it inadvertently by letting it out of its cocoon too soon. He went on to say that butterflies need to strengthen their wings fully in the effort to break out of the cocoon. Also, in the process of working their way out of the cocoon, they are getting the needed blood supply to their wings to enable them to fly and survive. This made her feel a little better as she understood her part in the process."

I ask the students what this story means. One student said that it means you should not mess with nature or try to speed up the natural flow of life. I like that. Others say that we grow strong from the struggles in life. I like that even more. I go on to tell the students that as a teacher, I am not helping them by letting them out of their cocoons too soon. For example, if they are struggling with a new concept in math and ask for an answer to a problem, it would be easy for me to give it to them. Instead, I need to let them struggle and help their wings get stronger. In our classroom, we even use those words, “I can’t do that because that would be like letting you out of your cocoon too early.”

Personally, I know sometimes I still want someone to come let me out of my cocoon when I am fighting to break free of some problem in life. But, I know that many times my “wings” need to get stronger. When I reflect on the struggle, I often ask, "'What should I be learning here?" Maybe the lesson is to be more patient or persistent. Sometimes, I need to remember that life doesn't always have to get easier. Often, I just need to keep growing stronger. If I focus on the lesson I am learning in life, I don’t need to have someone come and set me free, I am already free.

Humorous Christmas Quote:

“There are four ages of man:

(1) When you believe in Santa Claus.

(2) When you don't believe in Santa Claus.

(3) When you are Santa Claus.

(4) When you look like Santa Claus.”

- Unknown

Two Inspirational Poems

Here are two inspirational poems that have helped me tremendously. They encapsulate many of the spiritual tools that enable us to solve our problems.

The Good Things

    If you spend your time thinking about all the things that are wrong
with your life, you'll likely create even more of them. Why would you
want to do that?

   Instead, keep more of your thoughts focused on all the things that
are right with your life. Your attention to those good things in life
will make them stronger and more plentiful.

   What do you enjoy most about the person you are? What gives you a
true and abiding sense of satisfaction? What things do you do that cause
you to know you've made a positive difference in the world? Sincerely
answer these questions, and you cannot help but focus on what is right
with your life.

  Define yourself not by what's wrong, but by what's going right for
you.  Count your many blessings, and you'll be blessed with many more.

  Begin each day reminding yourself of all the things that are right
with your life. And at the end of the day, you'll find even more.

-- Ralph Marston

Do not let your life slip through your fingers
By living in the past nor for the future.

By living your life one day at a time,
You live all the days of your life.

Do not give up
When you still have something to give.

Nothing is really over
Until the moment you stop trying. 

It is a fragile thread
That binds us to each other

Do not be afraid to be willing to encounter risks.
It is by taking chances
That we learn to be grow spiritually.

Do not shut love out of your life
By saying it is impossible to find.

The quickest way to receive love is to give love;
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. 

The best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Do not dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope,
To be without hope is to be without purpose.

Do not run through life
So fast that you forget
Not only where you have been
But also where you are going. 

Life is not a race but a journey, a spiritual journey,
To be savored each step of the way.
-Anonymous