Curiosity-A Key to a Full Life

Recently, I heard the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Love, Pray, say that her new book, Big Magic, focuses on the way we live. She says there are two over-arching ways to live:

1.     Live a life based on FEAR, with a small life, where we do the same things over and over, thinking it is always safe because we will know the outcome.

2.     Live a life based on CURIOSITY, an expanding life, trying new things, not knowing the outcome always, but a life full of an unquenchable thirst for knowledge with growing relationships as well as new experiences.

Gratitude is helping my curiosity, especially when teaching and parenting. It easy for all of us to get stuck in a "small-life" circumscribed with fear, but we can also break out of it with gratitude or whatever else works for us. I have a friend who says he knows the cure for boredom. It is curiosity. I agree.

Here are 6 Surprising Benefits of Curiosity from the Greater Good Science Center web site. You may access it at this link to find the research articles mentioned.

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_surprising_benefits_of_curiosity?utm_source=GGSC+Newsletter+-+October++2015&utm_campaign=GG+Newsletter++-+October+2015&utm_medium=email

1. Curiosity helps us survive. The urge to explore and seek novelty helps us remain vigilant and gain knowledge about our constantly changing environment, which may be why our brains evolved to release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals when we encounter new things.
2. Curious people are happier. Research has shown curiosity to be associated with higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of anxiety, more satisfaction with life, and greater psychological well-being. Of course, it may be, at least partially, that people who are already happier tend to be more curious, but since novelty makes us feel good (see above), it seems likely that it goes the other direction as well.
3. Curiosity boosts achievement. Studies reveal that curiosity leads to more enjoyment and participation in school and higher academic achievement, as well as greater learning, engagement, and performance at work. It may seem like common sense, but when we are more curious about and interested in what we are doing, it’s easier to get involved, put effort in, and do well.
4. Curiosity can expand our empathy. When we are curious about others and talk to people outside our usual social circle, we become better able to understand those with lives, experiences, and worldviews different than our own. Next time you have the chance to talk with a stranger, especially someone who may be quite dissimilar to you, try engaging with them on a personal level (respectfully, of course) and showing them that you are interested in what they have to say.
5. Curiosity helps strengthen relationships. One study asked strangers to pose and answer personal questions, a process scientists call “reciprocal self-disclosure.” They found that people were rated as warmer and more attractive if they showed real curiosity in the exchange (while other variables like the person’s social anxiety and their levels of positive and negative emotions did not affect the partner’s feelings of attraction and closeness). This implies that demonstrating curiosity towards someone is a great way to build your closeness with them.
6. Curiosity improves healthcare. Research suggests that when doctors are genuinely curious about their patients’ perspectives, both doctors and patients report less anger and frustration and make better decisions, ultimately increasing the effectiveness of treatment.

Next week, I will give some activities to expand and strengthen our curiosity.

A Random Act of Kindness-Two Dollars Can Change My Life

This morning at the local gas station, I experienced something that I haven’t in a long time, a random act of kindness that could change my life, if I let it.

I went to get gas for my lawn mower. Only needing a little, I prepaid $1.50. When I got back to the pump and started to pump it, I saw the total shot up to $2.13, and my gas can almost overflowed. Figuring it was just a mistake, I went back in to pay for the extra.

But, the cashier said that a woman put 2 extra dollars on my pump. Surprised, I asked if she was still out there so I could give it back to her, but the cashier said that she had already left. Puzzled, I got the rest of the change and told the cashier that I would “pay it forward” and give those $2 to someone else anonymously.

This simple event made me think about altruism and the concept of practicing “Random Acts of Kindness” or “Paying It Forward.” This is not new. Oprah ran a big campaign about it over a decade ago, and the movie Pay It Forward was great (although I didn’t enjoy the ending).

As I drove home, I realized this is a timeless concept - the idea of helping others and doing it anonymously can profoundly transform our worlds in both small and huge ways. If more people practiced this concept regularly, the transformation internally for those people and externally in the world would be astonishing.

I have a joyful friend who says that every day she tries to do a good deed and not get “found out.” This could be paying for someone’s toll or even something more mundane, like vacuuming the house and not telling anyone.

This friend tells an inspiring story about how this started. She was given the task of doing a good act and not taking any credit. She couldn’t think of anything to do, so she was assigned (by another friend) to take a bouquet of flowers into a local nursing home, tell the receptionist to give it to a patient who never gets any visitors, and quietly walk out before the receptionist can thank her or ask any questions.

After some resistance, she did it and made a clean get away, saying the receptionist looked pleasantly puzzled. Feeling elated, she immediately took out her cell phone to call her friend and tell her the story. Luckily, she caught herself before she made the call and put the cell phone away. For two days, she was bursting with this news and could hardly contain herself from sharing it.

This is where the exercise took on an unexpected dimension. She realized that when we tell others about the “good deeds” we do, we are getting the reward right there. But, by keeping it anonymous and not telling anyone, we are cultivating a feeling inside ourselves that she described as “a ray of sunshine inside our hearts” that kept growing and growing.

As a 4^th grade teacher, I tell my students this story every year and challenge them to do a good deed and not get found out. The students always come up with some creative actions to take, like:

·         mowing a neighbor’s lawn
·         cleaning up trash at a local park
·         cleaning up their room or a messy sibling’s room
·         giving cash stealthily to a church at offering time
·         being quiet when they feel like yelling at a sibling
·         setting the table while no one is looking
·         eating “yucky” vegetables with a smile
·         baby-sitting younger siblings without complaining.

During our class discussion, a truly thoughtful student commented that my friend should have gone back to the nursing home and asked to talk to the recipient of the flowers, letting them know why the flowers were left for them. The student said that if someone really wanted to help a lonely person in a nursing home, they should visit them once a week and get to know them. This would not violate the challenge because they wouldn’t have to tell anyone else about it.

Impressed with the idea, the students asked if we could try this as a class. We actually found an organization that helps match students with seniors who need companionship. Currently, we are moving forward to implement this idea, thanks to a thoughtful student taking this story in a new and powerful direction.

The challenge or experiment this week for all of us is to find a good deed to do and not to get caught or tell anyone, and see if we feel that sunshine grow inside us. Then, repeat the challenge often. If I can do this myself, those two dollars will be the best investment someone has ever made.

Quote to end story:

“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.”

- John Lennon

Antidotes to Entitlement

Last week, I posted an ironic blog by Dr. Christine Carter about how to make our children feel entitled. Today, I will explore entitlement more deeply and give some antidotes to entitlement.

Let’s look at a definition of entitlement given by the American Psychiatric Association as, “unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment.” How does entitlement relate to gratitude? It is the opposite of gratitude. The paradox of entitlement is that when we always get what we want, we may appreciate it less.  

Often, entitlement is linked with expectations. In a humorous scene from Harry Potter that I read to my son recently, expectations are beautifully exemplified as Dudley, Harry’s spoiled cousin, is counting his birthday presents and instead of being thankful, he erupts in anger when he notices that he didn’t get as many gifts as he did the year before.

Likewise, in life sometimes we build up expectations of what we should get and if we don’t get it as quickly as we like, we also may be upset. As parents and educators, our reactions in life are showing our children how to act, whether we realize it or not. Thus, our responses to the frustrations of not getting what we want as quickly as we want it, may give our children and students a wrong example of how to act. But, we do not have to be perfect, just apply some awareness to our actions in those situations and try to start changing those reactions.

Here is the good news: applying gratitude in our families is a powerful step to displace entitlement. When we employ one of the gratitude strategies in our families, we are allowing a new way of thinking and acting to form. We can start a family gratitude journal, share three good things that happened today around the dinner table or write gratitude letters. .

Another option is to allow family members to choose an activity. Visit the Greater Good Science Center Website to find instructions on 7 different gratitude activities to choose from at:

http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=gratitude

Nevertheless, change doesn’t always happen quickly in our families. We need to be patient and realize we are trying to supersede some entrenched habits of thinking and acting.

We can take gratitude further and make it an action in our families. Transforming gratitude from a feeling to an action can be a challenge, but altruistic actions, practiced as a family can also help. I heard one friend put it succinctly, “Don’t tell me how grateful you are, show me how grateful you are.”

Coming from a foundation of gratitude, families can undertake acts of altruism and compassion to foster gratitude and overtake those feelings of entitlement. Moreover, by demonstrating gratitude as a family, we are helping to re-calibrate our priorities and to eliminate those overpowering feelings of privilege.

Here is a story from my family about practicing gratitude and what we learned from the endeavor. Last Christmas, our neighbors had the creative and powerful idea to make little “survival” kits for homeless people. The idea was that our two families would get together and make a list of the things that should be in these kits. Next, we would split the list and purchase the items. Finally, we would have a little party where we would talk about the joy of helping others as our children helped us assemble the kits.

In the kits, my son thought everyone should have a toothbrush and soap, so they would feel clean. We also inserted protein bars because our neighbor’s child said that when she was hungry and away from home, a protein bar always made her tummy feel better. So, we put all the kits together in a big box and took them to the local homeless shelter.

As we undertook this activity, we wove in gratitude, talking about how fortunate we are to have a house, where we feel safe and can take a shower anytime we want. Also, we expressed our thankfulness for all the food we have at our fingertips and the fact that we never really have to feel hungry.

This activity had some far-reaching positive results. The next time we ventured into downtown Atlanta to visit the zoo, our son saw a homeless person and said, “Look, there is one of the homeless people we helped. Can we do that again to help more people?” Of course we will do that again and bring more gratitude into our lives while helping others.

11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude

Recently, I have been thinking about entitlement and how it relates to gratitude. Entitlement, not ingratitude, may be the opposite of gratitude and definitely blocks out many opportunities to grow with gratitude.

Dr. Christine Carter wrote a humorous and ironic blog that warns us of the possible consequences of our parenting choices. As a teacher and parent, I found them all to be very thought provoking.Check out Christine Carter’s full blog at:

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2015/06/23/11-ways-to-raise-a-child-who-is-entitled-and-rude/

In my next blog, I will present some ideas about combating entitlement in children and families.

11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude

1.      Make sure your kids have access to all the latest iDevices anytime they want. For example, they can be playing games on an iPad in the car while you are chauffeuring them around. That way, they won’t even respond when you ask them about school or point out something interesting to them. (They won’t even know where they are, or where they are going, and so they won’t ask you those annoying “Are we there yet?” questions! You’ll probably have to nag them to get out of the car they’ll like being there so much!) Similarly, if they have their phone at dinner, they won’t ever have to stop texting their friends, or engage in dinner table conversation – and so they will never be bored or antsy!

2.      Do everything within your power to prevent your kids from feeling pain. This includes any sort of discomfort, difficulty, or disappointment. Cover for them when they make mistakes. Insist teachers raise mediocre grades. That way, kids won’t learn how to rise to challenges or handle their mistakes themselves, and they will feel entitled to a life free from discomfort or disappointment. And when the going gets rough in the future, they’ll be more likely to find a way to lie or cheat their way out of the situation — or they’ll instantly start blaming others.

3.      When things aren’t going your way, point to the shortcomings of other people. You are entitled to good service from the dry cleaners, cable guy, flight attendants, etc.. Since your kids will never have one of these jobs (see tip ten), there is really no need to show empathy or compassion towards underperforming service workers. Similarly, when your kids bring home bad grades, listen earnestly to their accusations about how bad their teachers are. Consider complaining to the Principal or School Head, or at least send an angry email. (Note: This strategy makes it likely that your kids will also complain harshly about you, which can be an excellent way to get in touch with your own shortcomings.)

4.      Give them money whenever they need it. This is easier than remembering to dole out allowance, helping them find a job, teaching them to manage their own money, or helping them understand the relative cost of all the things they desperately “need.”

5.      Pay for as many enrichment activities, tutors, and the best sports teams you can afford. When you pay a lot for something, the coaches, faculty and staff tend to feel they owe kids more success, praise, higher scores, trophies, etc. They are also more likely to go out of their way to ensure that your kids have a good time — and that they never feel defeated or disappointed.

6.      Give your kids a break, especially if they (or you) aren’t feeling well. Everyone is under a lot of pressure these days. It is okay to limit kids’ video game playing or youtube watching to two hours a day, for example, but these rules can be ridiculously hard to enforce on a day-to-day basis, much less if anything out of the ordinary is happening. If you think they might have a sore throat, or if they seem too tired to go to school, let them stay home and watch Netflix or ESPN all day — especially if they don’t like school very much.

7.      Refuse to consistently enforce bedtimes. It is normal for kids to want to stay up late, especially if they are texting with their friends or there is a big game on TV. One night, nag them until they go to bed. The next night, you’ll likely all be tired from the previous night’s effort, so just let them choose their own bedtime, or ignore them until they fall asleep on their own. That way they will realize that, actually, they are in control of their bedtimes. If their attention or impulse control at school suffers because they are tired, excellent stimulants, like Ritalin, are widely available.

8.      Confide in your kids as though they are your close friends, especially if you really need someone to talk to about a problem or if you are already crying or enraged. Lack of boundaries creates the expectation that your business is their business to worry about and fix. Having you as a friend first and parent second ensures that their close friendships with peers don’t fully develop, and therefore won’t interfere with their closeness to you (or their ability to support you when you need them). Moreover, this lack of boundaries will ensure that they are often rude to you, much in the same way they are with their siblings.

9.      Don’t insist kids write thank you notes. Kids are busy, and so are you (and we all know it is you that will be saddled with addressing and mailing the notes). People already know that kids are grateful for all they have and everything that receive; no need for them to learn how to express their appreciation in written form, especially given how much they already have going on.

10.  Make sure they never have to do an entry-level or minimum wage job. Boredom is uncomfortable and unnecessary (see tip two). Working their way up in an organization is a waste of time if you can use your connections to help them start at the top; hopefully they’ll pick up a strong work-ethic from all the people around them that did earn their positions. (If they need cash, see tip four.) Bonus # one: Kids start to assume that all adults are willing to go the extra mile for them, and that they are entitled to skip the hard bits in life. Bonus # two: This will greatly reduce the odds that they’ll ever work in a service industry, or have the chance to work alongside people different from them — and increase the odds that they’ll act superior and degrading to servers and cashiers everywhere.

11.  Above all, let them out of their chores around the house. Kids often have trouble managing their time; it is understandable if they are distracted by video games, Instagram, or 10,000 texts from their friends. Nothing is more relevant to adolescents than what is happening on their phones — remember, this is normal. They need to keep up with the social scene if they are to have friends and be accepted by their peer group. If they have homework, don’t compound their distraction or time-management issues by asking them to empty the dishwasher.

These techniques will ensure not just that your kid will be ill-mannered and entitled, but also possibly insecure, materialistic, anxious (or arrogant), and dependent. They definitely won’t develop the skills they need to sustain lasting and loyal friendships without your near constant interference, to handle stress and anxiety without drugs and alcohol, or to hold down a real job without your connections. What better way to shore up our family connections than to ensure that our kids always live with us?

 Does this post make you cringe? It makes me a little nervous because I have done nearly all of these things myself at some point as a parent! But then I remember that:

We are parenting in a culture that makes it very easy to make these mistakes! Even so, we can raise kind kids with strong characters.                                               -Dr. Christine Carter

What We Leave Behind-Imprints on the Soul

As we approach the end of another school year, it is time for celebration, reflection, and bittersweet goodbyes. The school year can be like a marathon race and roller-coaster all wrapped into one. I also equate the school year to a long car ride. We all start out as best friends, but as the ride gets longer, we get on each other nerves, and we may hear sayings like, “He’s looking at me, make him stop.”

In our class, we do some activities to combat this. We get a secret gratitude partner and write them letters, telling them why we appreciate them. When we reveal who are partners are, it is a joyful day. That seems to raise class morale and brings some fresh air into the long car ride of the school year.

Through all our 180 days in the classroom, it has been a fantastic school year, as it always is. In my class, we don’t do a “count-down” because this takes away from us enjoying today and being in the moment. We talk about how most of us are bored 2 weeks into summer, so let’s enjoy our precious time together.

A few days ago, at the graduation at our school, one speaker said, “Although you will physically leave this school, part of you will always stay at this school.” I really liked this. After the graduation, when we returned to the classroom, one thoughtful girl raised her hand and said, “What will I leave in this classroom after I am gone?”

Although those words were powerful, I realized that I could not immediately articulate what specifically she would leave. I looked at her smiling face and told her, “You will leave your smile in the classroom and also in my heart.” She looked up and said, “What about my intelligence?” I told her that not only would her intelligence stay with me, but her deep and original questions would resound in the minds of her classmates. She laughed, and I said that her laughter would light up our classroom even in her physical absence.

At last, I felt like I was getting at the heart of it. We all leave indelible imprints on each other, not always positive, but often memorable. I have been teaching for 10 years and have had the extreme pleasure of teaching over 300 students, and it is wonderful to know that they have all left their mark on my soul.

What the students leave with me, their imprints on my soul:

·         genuine kindness

·         hope for mankind when I see their indomitable spirit

·         a free pass into their magical worlds, full of love, wonder, play, laughter, and innocence

·         a chance to see the world through their eyes

·         a reminder to be in the moment where everything is fresh and new.

And what I hope to leave with my students:

·         a thirst for knowledge and the exhilaration of learning

·         a sense of awe and an awareness of the true strength of kindness

·         an openness and vulnerability paired with resilience

·         the gift of music as it open up parts of the soul that only music can reach

·         the idea that we never have a bad day, we just have a bad attitude

·         the thought that the difference between and adventure and an ordeal is our attitude

·         the ability to experience a profound gratitude for this world and everything in it, as well as some tools to explore that gratitude and take it deeper.

The Moment Gratitude Changed My Perspective in the Classroom

I have experienced many moments of gratitude that have changed my life. Yet as I reflect on these moments, one stands out, a moment in the classroom that changed the way I look at my “problems.”

 I am a teacher and I have had the tremendous pleasure of teaching for 10 years. Early on in my career, I had one student that challenged me and presented a “problem” in an interesting manner. This student would watch as I wrote on the white board and raise her hand with a little smile on her face. When I called on her, she would correct me saying things like, “Mr. Griffith, you spelled ‘millennium’ wrong.” On that particular day, I was tired and frustrated, and I did not take this statement very well. In fact, you might say I was “ungrateful” that morning for the student noticing my mistake.

On my first break, I stormed into the teacher’s lunch room and saw a trusted colleague. I told her what had happened and said that this student was being very disrespectful for pointing this out in front of the class. I said that this problem was ruining my day.

She smiled knowingly, as good friends do at these moments, looked at me and said, “That is one of those situations that you can complain about and build up a resentment or you could change it into something positive. That student had to be paying close attention to find the errors you make. You might think about giving students a reward for finding the errors. Then, if you make an error, you can tell them you were just testing them.” We both smiled and my resentment started to soften. My friend went on, “You just started doing a gratitude list with your students. Maybe that student should be at the top of your gratitude list because she is teaching you to turn problems into solutions.”

This startled me. I thought this conversation would go a different direction with some commiserating on our problems in the classroom. But this shock melted into a new way to look at this situation and to appreciate this student with gratitude. I realized that any time I am challenged in life, I do have an opportunity to turn around the situation by applying some gratitude and creativity.

I remembered that the Chinese symbol that represents crisis is a combination of danger and opportunity. If I focus on the opportunity, I will see something good that can come out of any “crisis.”

After lunch, I went back to my classroom and told the students that every day, I would be hiding at least one mistake on the board for them to find, making it a game. If a student found a mistake, they would get a little reward and could make a suggestion for an error for the next day.

Immediately, all the students starting paying closer attention to everything I wrote. They started noticing when I purposely wrote something wrong on the board, like a misspelled word or a grammar or punctuation error.

At the end of the school year, when this class took a standardized test, the scores for editing and correcting punctuation and grammar were through the roof. That one student, who started this entire change in perspective, scored at the college level in this area, and this was for a 4^th grade student. I realized that I could have squashed her talent, but a friend offered the perspective of gratitude and that turned this into a moment we all learned from and enjoyed.

The following year, I had a student who had a wonderful and mischievous sense of humor. This student had a reputation for being a real disruption to classes with his “inappropriate humor.” At the beginning of the school year, he tried to disrupt my class by blurting out something that got the entire class laughing but also got us all way off track. Instantly, I thought back to the moment with the other student and tried to think how this challenge and potential year-long battle could be turned into something positive.

Looking through the lens of gratitude, I saw this boy was funny yet he felt like he needed attention. So I told him, “If you can stay quiet all day, I will give you 2 minutes at the end of the day to do a comedy routine.” He got excited. He asked if he could work up a 5 minute routine and perform on Friday afternoon, so we would all have something to look forward to.

I agreed and never had a problem with him for the rest of the school year. Friday afternoon comedy routines became something we all looked forward to. He did one routine on the spelling bee and another on cafeteria food.  Both were hilarious and stayed within the boundaries of what was appropriate. As I keep these moments of gratitude fresh in my mind, I create a joy that changes those insurmountable problems into challenges that help me grow.

Gratitude is Larger than Life

A friend of mine sent this the other day and I wanted to share it:

"One day, a friend called me on the phone. He was going through a difficult time and wondering if and when things would ever turn around and improve. 

I knew he was in a lot of pain, I didn't know then that he was considering suicide.

"If you could give a person only one thing to help them," he said, "what would it be?"

I thought carefully about his question, and then I replied, "It's not one thing, it's two: gratitude and letting go." 

Gratitude for everything, not just the things we consider good or a blessing. 

And letting go of everything we can't change.

A few years have passed since that day my friend called me on the phone.

 His life has turned around. His financial problems have sorted themselves out. 

His career has shifted. The two very large problems he was facing at that time have both sorted themselves out.

Someone once asked the artist Georgia O'Keeffe why her paintings magnified the size of small objects - the petals on a flower - making them 

appear larger than life, and reduced the size of large objects - like mountains - making them smaller than life. 

"Everyone sees the big things," she said. "But these smaller things are so beautiful and people might not notice them if I didn't emphasize them."

That's the way it is with gratitude and letting go.

 It's easy to see the problems in our lives. They're like mountains.

 But sometimes we overlook the smaller things; we don't notice how truly beautiful they are."

Huffington Post-Two Things I am Most Grateful For

Huffington Post started a new gratitude section. Check it out at:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/gratitude/

I submitted the following in response to their question, "What are you most grateful for?" It was published a couple weeks ago. I absolutely love the wide range of blog posts on this site, from personal stories to Dr. Deepak Chopra writing about a recent study that shows cardiac patients who write gratitude journals benefit both psychologically and physically. Here is my posting:

Of all the things I have done in my life, the one activity that I am most grateful for is being a teacher. In one regard or another, we are all teachers. But, I have had the tremendous pleasure of being a 4^th grade classroom teacher for 10 years and have learned more about myself, others and this world from this remarkable experience.

As a teacher, two of the greatest joys are learning from my students and integrating the practice of gratitude in our lives. Daily, I am given the opportunity to interact and connect with my students as we teach each other. When I realized that I could learn from my students, I had my first “A-ha” moment and that changed everything in my classroom. This awareness brought wonder and passion into my teaching. The paradigm of teacher/students is still constantly being flipped.

In my classroom, I have been incorporating writing “gratitudes” as an activity with the students. We start each day with a list of 5 things we are grateful for. By the end of the year, we have 1,000 gratitudes in our journals. Many students keep this habit up past their year with me. Attitudes are contagious and we encourage an “attitude of gratitude” in our classroom. Recently, I ran into a mom whose son was in my class 6 years ago and now is now in high school. She told me that he was so excited about writing a gratitude list that he came home and wrote a list of 100 gratitudes after his first day in my class.

"However, gratitude does not make every day perfect in our classroom. I still have challenging days, where gratitude is hard to find and thing irritates me more easily. But, I still have a choice to look for gratitude. On those challenging days, when I write a gratitude list, I feel a little better. This exercise helps me become a better teacher. One day in my classroom, a student asked, "Mr. Griffith, can we do a gratitude list together?" I was so pleased that I asked her what motivated her to ask this. She said, "You just looked so stressed today, I thought you could use some gratitude." That made me laugh but she was right, I was stressed and it did help."

One year, I had an inspirational student who saved her allowance and brought gratitude journals for her whole family. Her mom was in nursing school and overwhelmed. At the dinner table, they would share their gratitudes for the day and grow as a family. The mom came to me and thanked me for teaching gratitude to her daughter and helping her family. She said it helped her get through nursing school. From this student, I learned that the ripple effects of gratitude can spread to those around us.

Here is another lesson that I learned from a persistent student. In class, she would diligently complete her work and then ask for extra math work. I would give her math drills, word problems and math enrichment exercises. Taking these extra assignments, she would happily smile.

Then, one day I looked at her and said, “It is so good to see how much you love math.” She looked surprised and said, “On no, math is my hardest subject. After I heard you say that we should be grateful for the things that challenge us in life, I told myself I would work really hard on my hardest subject, math. Maybe with some extra work, I can turn it into my best subject.” She succeeded and it did not take long. She was soon one of the best math student in the class. 

This lesson was instantly applicable in my life and classroom. At times, I tend to shy away from activities that I do not think I am good at. But this student demonstrated that diving in and putting some extra effort into a challenging area will bring success. I still need to remind myself of this when I am confronted, almost daily, with areas in life that I might avoid instead of embracing. 

Yesterday, my son said, “Daddy, come draw with me.”  I almost said, “I am not a good artist.” But, I have said this repeatedly. In fact, I have said it so much, it had become automatic. Thankfully, I caught myself that time. Instead, I sat down, grabbed a crayon and completed a self-portrait, enjoying every second.

Finally, teaching allows me to practice gratitude in my work and continue growing as I learn from my students. They challenge me to practice “radical grateful,” as expressed in the following quote:

“People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is not to walk on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we do not even recognize: a blue sky, green leaves, the black curious eyes of a child –our own two eyes. All is a miracle.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

Gratitude and Grief - My Brother Steve

In my life, one of the people I am most grateful for is my oldest brother Steve. Steve was a musician, a naturalist and poet. He taught me how to play guitar, took me back-packing, encouraged me to read great literature, like Moby Dick, and inspired me to write. I am deeply grateful for all of these gifts he shared with me. I would not be writing this blog without his passion for writing and showing me the power of the written word.

Passionately, Steve would describe the shamanistic power of words and how the act of writing has the power to heal us and also articulate those aspects of life that seem impossible to pin down. He presented a new concept, that words have the power to create a bridge between our minds that connects us and allow us to communicate even when space or time may separate us otherwise.

I feel that power of words more than ever because a few years ago, I lost my brother unexpectedly, but I still feel connected to him. As I approach the anniversary of his passing, I have some new gratitude for him. The gratitude for my brother grows and somewhat surprisingly, our relationship still grows.

Often, I reflect on all the aspects of my being that he influenced. He loved music and movies. In college, he was a critic for the college paper. When I was only 7 years old, I modeled myself after him. I asked him how I could become a critic and he told me to start writing reviews of movies, music and books, asking questions like, “What made that movie enjoyable?” or “Why was that movie so moving?’ Those questions sparked my enthusiasm for writing.

Still, I always doubted my abilities and never thought it was possible to write or have anything published. But he believed in me, as well as encouraging me to write and keep improving my writing skills. Recently, when I started a project to write a book, I thanked him out loud. I smiled as I realized how vibrantly he is still with me. I know that physically losing someone does not end a relationship. As I see his influence in my life, I feel our relationship still grow.

Reflecting on the gratitude I have for Steve, I think back to the last night we were together. I had flown to California to see my parents and he showed up unexpectedly, boarding a plane with just a toothbrush and his prized, Martin guitar. That night, he asked, “Do you want to go in the back yard and play guitar?” I was exhausted after a busy week and knew I needed sleep for the flight the next day, but I told him, ‘Sure, let’s do it.” I am so glad that I took this final chance to be with him.

The sun was setting as we sat down and started jamming. After I showed him a new song I was working on, we started playing and lost track of time as we fell into the groove. He played one of his favorite Grateful Dead songs and I accompanied him. After a few hours, we both stood up and gave each other a strong, deep hug. We really had connected in that deep and profound way that only music allow.

After replaying this scene in my head, I started to feel how gratitude can help when I am experiencing loss by letting a little love and light come in to start the healing. Every time I pick up a guitar, I am reminded of the gift of music he gave me. Now, I teach guitar and have the opportunity to give back a gift that Steve gave me.

After he passed away, I received my brother’s Martin guitar. I had ambivalent feelings about getting it. I was afraid that having the guitar might remind me of how much I missed Steve. Thankfully, I didn't experience those negative feelings. When I opened the guitar case to find the smell of his cigarettes that I used to find unpleasant, the smell actually evoked a pleasant memory, reminding me of his presence.

Taking some lyrics Steve wrote, I spent a few months putting music to his words, feeling him guide me. A friend volunteered his basement studio to record the song. Of course, on the recording, I played his Martin guitar.

Hesitantly, I shared this song and story with my family and then played it for my students on Steve’s Martin guitar. I felt like this might be too painful to share or that it might bring up some sad memories. On the contrary, everyone expressed gratitude for sharing it. Some people even said that it helped them work through their losses and find hope that they could honor the loss of their loved ones and still enjoy their memories. One parent sent an email, saying that their daughter was so touched by the story of my brother, that she was finally able to talk about losing her grandmother and start the healing process.

I still have an ongoing conversation with Steve and feel his influence on me as well as his presence in my life. My son, who never met Steve, asks about him. I recount many stories of Steve and his intelligence, passion and humor as well as the gratitude I have for the gifts he gave that I can now pass on. 

When Death Comes – A Poem by Mary Oliver

This is one of the best poems I have discovered lately. I heard someone read it on a podcast and it brightened my day. It deals with a challenging subject, death, but puts it in a new light for me. 

Enjoy.

    When Death Comes – A Poem by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering;
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.

I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder

if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.