As we approach Thanksgiving, I am thinking about integrating gratitude into our holiday and I was finding it challenging, until I found this
article today. Check it out, it gives great suggestions for bringing authentic gratitude into the Thanksgiving holiday.
The Trouble with Thanksgiving Gratitude
By Kira M. Newman
Feeling forced to say “thanks” at Thanksgiving dinner? Here
are four exercises to help get the gratefulness going.
“What are you grateful for?”
For the shy adult or the grumpy teen, expressing gratitude
around the Thanksgiving table can seem awkward and trite. Yet it’s basically
compulsory—saying “nothing” or “I don’t know” when it’s our turn to speak won’t
endear us to our family members. We end up saying the same thing we do every
year, everyone smiles, and then it’s Aunt Edna’s turn.
According to research, though, feeling socially pressured to
perform a certain happiness practice means it’s less fitting for us. Psychologists
Sonja Lyubomirsky and Ken Sheldon suggest that the best happiness practices are
ones we choose, not ones we feel forced into based on our circumstances. This
can undermine “self-determined motivation,” the healthy drive that springs from
our authentic interests and values.
“Even though I’ve advocated a number of evidence-based
practices, I’m actually moving away from prescribing specific practices and
exercises because it can lead to what I am calling ‘to-do list’ gratitude or
‘check-list’ gratitude,” says pioneering gratitude researcher Robert Emmons.
“Practicing gratitude becomes a burden rather than a blessing, making life
heavier rather than lighter.”
What’s more, Thanksgiving declarations of gratitude tend to
be brief—along the lines of “I’m grateful for my family and my health.” But
broad statements of gratitude might not be as effective as detailed ones,
research suggests.
An unpublished University of Southern California study cited
in Emmons’s book, Gratitude Works!, found that writing one sentence about five
things we’re grateful for is less beneficial than writing five sentences about
one thing we’re grateful for. After ten weeks of gratitude journaling, the
group who wrote in more detail about one thing each time felt less tired, sad, and
lethargic and more alert, happy, excited, and elated than the less-detailed
group.
Even those of us with the best intentions may struggle. As
an introvert, I always feel put on the spot during my family’s Thanksgiving
gratitude ritual, even though cultivating gratitude is important to me. And
many of us may yearn to feel deep gratitude but can’t conjure it up on command.
This is not to say that we should jettison our Thanksgiving
gratitude rituals. In fact, experts believe that it’s the repeated practice of
gratitude—even when we don’t feel grateful—that will eventually lead to a more
enduring attitude of gratitude.
“If you go through grateful motions, the emotion of
gratitude should be triggered,” writes Emmons in “10 Ways to Become More
Grateful.”
So what would a no-pressure Thanksgiving look like, one that
tries to encourage everyone—even the inarticulate, the shy, the grumpy, and the
alienated—to safely express their thanks? What “grateful motions” might feel
less forced and more genuine? Here are some suggestions.
1. Give people a chance to think before they thank
Have a family member lead everyone in a short gratitude
meditation before the Thanksgiving meal, like this one from Jack Kornfield’s
book, The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace.
“Gratitude is a gracious acknowledgment of all that sustains
us, a bow to our blessings, great and small, an appreciation of the moments of
good fortune that sustain our life every day,” writes Kornfield. His meditation
asks you to think of the environment and the people who make your life
possible:
With gratitude I
remember the people, animals, plants, insects, creatures of the sky and sea,
air and water, fire and earth, all whose joyful exertion blesses my life every
day. With gratitude I remember the care and labor of a thousand generations of
elders and ancestors who came before me.
For some people, the quiet contemplation of gratefulness
might make for a solid first step—and help them to think of something concrete
to say in front of family and friends!
2. Ask guests to imagine themselves alone at the table
There is an exercise called “Mental Subtraction of
Relationships” that asks you to think about what your life might have been like
had you never met someone special. As part of the pre-dinner meditation, you
might ask guests to imagine themselves without anyone to spend Thanksgiving
with. Here’s how to do it, adapted from Greater Good in Action, which provides
“science-tested practices for a meaningful life”:
1. Take a moment
to think about one person at the table.
2. Think back to
where and how you met this person. If he or she is a family member, try to
recall your first memories.
3. Think about all
of the possible events and decisions—large and small—that could have prevented
you from meeting this person, or kept him or her from your life.
4. Imagine what
your life would be like now if events had unfolded differently and you had
never met this person, or if they had left your life at some earlier point.
Bring to mind some of the joys and benefits you have enjoyed as a result of
this relationship—and consider how you would feel if you were denied all of
them.
5. Shift your
focus to remind yourself that you did actually meet this person and reflect
upon the benefits this relationship has brought you. Now that you have
considered how things might have turned out differently, appreciate that these
benefits were not inevitable in your life. Allow yourself to feel grateful that
things happened as they did and this person is now in your life.
After imagining a solitary Thanksgiving, opening your eyes
to a table full of smiling faces can inspire gratitude.
3. Write letters to each other
In advance of dinner, ask your Thanksgiving guests to write
short gratitude letters to read at the table. A gratitude letter expresses
appreciation for someone—a relative, friend, teacher, or colleague—who made an
impact on your life but hasn’t been properly thanked. The letter can detail
what they did, why you feel thankful, and how your life is different today:
1. Write as though
you are addressing this person directly (“Dear ______”)
2. Don’t worry
about perfect grammar or spelling.
3. Describe in
specific terms what this person did, why you are grateful to this person, and
how this person’s behavior affected your life. Try to be as concrete as
possible.
4. Describe what
you are doing in your life now and how you often remember his or her efforts.
5. Try to keep
your letter to roughly one page (~300 words).
Research shows that reading gratitude letters produces a big
happiness boost. The feelings of warmth and connection may be strong enough to
outweigh any lingering shyness, and expressing gratitude for a person, rather
than health or food, may feel more natural.
4. After dinner, take a walk—then give thanks over dessert
My family has always had a ritual of walking after
dinner—but before the apple pie. Not only does the walk aid digestion, but it
can reveal vibrant fall foliage, elegant architecture, and friendly faces. All
of these things are potential sources of ongoing gratitude—and might help prime
guests to give concrete thanks.
To truly appreciate what you see on your walk, take a moment
to pause over each new and beautiful sight. Point it out to your family
members, so they too can join in the mindful appreciation. Try to think about
why each sight is pleasurable to you; perhaps the piles of golden leaves remind
you of time spent playing as a kid. This technique is called a “Savoring Walk.”
If we’re inspired to keep up these gratitude practices, our
view of gratitude may change—from a Thanksgiving chore to a meaningful way of
thinking year-round. Then, “What are you grateful for?” will no longer be such
a tricky question to answer.
This web site is setting up a year-long course in the science of happiness,
given by the author of this article, Kira M. Newman.
