A Random Act of Kindness-Two Dollars Can Change My Life

This morning at the local gas station, I experienced something that I haven’t in a long time, a random act of kindness that could change my life, if I let it.

I went to get gas for my lawn mower. Only needing a little, I prepaid $1.50. When I got back to the pump and started to pump it, I saw the total shot up to $2.13, and my gas can almost overflowed. Figuring it was just a mistake, I went back in to pay for the extra.

But, the cashier said that a woman put 2 extra dollars on my pump. Surprised, I asked if she was still out there so I could give it back to her, but the cashier said that she had already left. Puzzled, I got the rest of the change and told the cashier that I would “pay it forward” and give those $2 to someone else anonymously.

This simple event made me think about altruism and the concept of practicing “Random Acts of Kindness” or “Paying It Forward.” This is not new. Oprah ran a big campaign about it over a decade ago, and the movie Pay It Forward was great (although I didn’t enjoy the ending).

As I drove home, I realized this is a timeless concept - the idea of helping others and doing it anonymously can profoundly transform our worlds in both small and huge ways. If more people practiced this concept regularly, the transformation internally for those people and externally in the world would be astonishing.

I have a joyful friend who says that every day she tries to do a good deed and not get “found out.” This could be paying for someone’s toll or even something more mundane, like vacuuming the house and not telling anyone.

This friend tells an inspiring story about how this started. She was given the task of doing a good act and not taking any credit. She couldn’t think of anything to do, so she was assigned (by another friend) to take a bouquet of flowers into a local nursing home, tell the receptionist to give it to a patient who never gets any visitors, and quietly walk out before the receptionist can thank her or ask any questions.

After some resistance, she did it and made a clean get away, saying the receptionist looked pleasantly puzzled. Feeling elated, she immediately took out her cell phone to call her friend and tell her the story. Luckily, she caught herself before she made the call and put the cell phone away. For two days, she was bursting with this news and could hardly contain herself from sharing it.

This is where the exercise took on an unexpected dimension. She realized that when we tell others about the “good deeds” we do, we are getting the reward right there. But, by keeping it anonymous and not telling anyone, we are cultivating a feeling inside ourselves that she described as “a ray of sunshine inside our hearts” that kept growing and growing.

As a 4^th grade teacher, I tell my students this story every year and challenge them to do a good deed and not get found out. The students always come up with some creative actions to take, like:

·         mowing a neighbor’s lawn
·         cleaning up trash at a local park
·         cleaning up their room or a messy sibling’s room
·         giving cash stealthily to a church at offering time
·         being quiet when they feel like yelling at a sibling
·         setting the table while no one is looking
·         eating “yucky” vegetables with a smile
·         baby-sitting younger siblings without complaining.

During our class discussion, a truly thoughtful student commented that my friend should have gone back to the nursing home and asked to talk to the recipient of the flowers, letting them know why the flowers were left for them. The student said that if someone really wanted to help a lonely person in a nursing home, they should visit them once a week and get to know them. This would not violate the challenge because they wouldn’t have to tell anyone else about it.

Impressed with the idea, the students asked if we could try this as a class. We actually found an organization that helps match students with seniors who need companionship. Currently, we are moving forward to implement this idea, thanks to a thoughtful student taking this story in a new and powerful direction.

The challenge or experiment this week for all of us is to find a good deed to do and not to get caught or tell anyone, and see if we feel that sunshine grow inside us. Then, repeat the challenge often. If I can do this myself, those two dollars will be the best investment someone has ever made.

Quote to end story:

“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.”

- John Lennon

Antidotes to Entitlement

Last week, I posted an ironic blog by Dr. Christine Carter about how to make our children feel entitled. Today, I will explore entitlement more deeply and give some antidotes to entitlement.

Let’s look at a definition of entitlement given by the American Psychiatric Association as, “unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment.” How does entitlement relate to gratitude? It is the opposite of gratitude. The paradox of entitlement is that when we always get what we want, we may appreciate it less.  

Often, entitlement is linked with expectations. In a humorous scene from Harry Potter that I read to my son recently, expectations are beautifully exemplified as Dudley, Harry’s spoiled cousin, is counting his birthday presents and instead of being thankful, he erupts in anger when he notices that he didn’t get as many gifts as he did the year before.

Likewise, in life sometimes we build up expectations of what we should get and if we don’t get it as quickly as we like, we also may be upset. As parents and educators, our reactions in life are showing our children how to act, whether we realize it or not. Thus, our responses to the frustrations of not getting what we want as quickly as we want it, may give our children and students a wrong example of how to act. But, we do not have to be perfect, just apply some awareness to our actions in those situations and try to start changing those reactions.

Here is the good news: applying gratitude in our families is a powerful step to displace entitlement. When we employ one of the gratitude strategies in our families, we are allowing a new way of thinking and acting to form. We can start a family gratitude journal, share three good things that happened today around the dinner table or write gratitude letters. .

Another option is to allow family members to choose an activity. Visit the Greater Good Science Center Website to find instructions on 7 different gratitude activities to choose from at:

http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=gratitude

Nevertheless, change doesn’t always happen quickly in our families. We need to be patient and realize we are trying to supersede some entrenched habits of thinking and acting.

We can take gratitude further and make it an action in our families. Transforming gratitude from a feeling to an action can be a challenge, but altruistic actions, practiced as a family can also help. I heard one friend put it succinctly, “Don’t tell me how grateful you are, show me how grateful you are.”

Coming from a foundation of gratitude, families can undertake acts of altruism and compassion to foster gratitude and overtake those feelings of entitlement. Moreover, by demonstrating gratitude as a family, we are helping to re-calibrate our priorities and to eliminate those overpowering feelings of privilege.

Here is a story from my family about practicing gratitude and what we learned from the endeavor. Last Christmas, our neighbors had the creative and powerful idea to make little “survival” kits for homeless people. The idea was that our two families would get together and make a list of the things that should be in these kits. Next, we would split the list and purchase the items. Finally, we would have a little party where we would talk about the joy of helping others as our children helped us assemble the kits.

In the kits, my son thought everyone should have a toothbrush and soap, so they would feel clean. We also inserted protein bars because our neighbor’s child said that when she was hungry and away from home, a protein bar always made her tummy feel better. So, we put all the kits together in a big box and took them to the local homeless shelter.

As we undertook this activity, we wove in gratitude, talking about how fortunate we are to have a house, where we feel safe and can take a shower anytime we want. Also, we expressed our thankfulness for all the food we have at our fingertips and the fact that we never really have to feel hungry.

This activity had some far-reaching positive results. The next time we ventured into downtown Atlanta to visit the zoo, our son saw a homeless person and said, “Look, there is one of the homeless people we helped. Can we do that again to help more people?” Of course we will do that again and bring more gratitude into our lives while helping others.

11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude

Recently, I have been thinking about entitlement and how it relates to gratitude. Entitlement, not ingratitude, may be the opposite of gratitude and definitely blocks out many opportunities to grow with gratitude.

Dr. Christine Carter wrote a humorous and ironic blog that warns us of the possible consequences of our parenting choices. As a teacher and parent, I found them all to be very thought provoking.Check out Christine Carter’s full blog at:

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2015/06/23/11-ways-to-raise-a-child-who-is-entitled-and-rude/

In my next blog, I will present some ideas about combating entitlement in children and families.

11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude

1.      Make sure your kids have access to all the latest iDevices anytime they want. For example, they can be playing games on an iPad in the car while you are chauffeuring them around. That way, they won’t even respond when you ask them about school or point out something interesting to them. (They won’t even know where they are, or where they are going, and so they won’t ask you those annoying “Are we there yet?” questions! You’ll probably have to nag them to get out of the car they’ll like being there so much!) Similarly, if they have their phone at dinner, they won’t ever have to stop texting their friends, or engage in dinner table conversation – and so they will never be bored or antsy!

2.      Do everything within your power to prevent your kids from feeling pain. This includes any sort of discomfort, difficulty, or disappointment. Cover for them when they make mistakes. Insist teachers raise mediocre grades. That way, kids won’t learn how to rise to challenges or handle their mistakes themselves, and they will feel entitled to a life free from discomfort or disappointment. And when the going gets rough in the future, they’ll be more likely to find a way to lie or cheat their way out of the situation — or they’ll instantly start blaming others.

3.      When things aren’t going your way, point to the shortcomings of other people. You are entitled to good service from the dry cleaners, cable guy, flight attendants, etc.. Since your kids will never have one of these jobs (see tip ten), there is really no need to show empathy or compassion towards underperforming service workers. Similarly, when your kids bring home bad grades, listen earnestly to their accusations about how bad their teachers are. Consider complaining to the Principal or School Head, or at least send an angry email. (Note: This strategy makes it likely that your kids will also complain harshly about you, which can be an excellent way to get in touch with your own shortcomings.)

4.      Give them money whenever they need it. This is easier than remembering to dole out allowance, helping them find a job, teaching them to manage their own money, or helping them understand the relative cost of all the things they desperately “need.”

5.      Pay for as many enrichment activities, tutors, and the best sports teams you can afford. When you pay a lot for something, the coaches, faculty and staff tend to feel they owe kids more success, praise, higher scores, trophies, etc. They are also more likely to go out of their way to ensure that your kids have a good time — and that they never feel defeated or disappointed.

6.      Give your kids a break, especially if they (or you) aren’t feeling well. Everyone is under a lot of pressure these days. It is okay to limit kids’ video game playing or youtube watching to two hours a day, for example, but these rules can be ridiculously hard to enforce on a day-to-day basis, much less if anything out of the ordinary is happening. If you think they might have a sore throat, or if they seem too tired to go to school, let them stay home and watch Netflix or ESPN all day — especially if they don’t like school very much.

7.      Refuse to consistently enforce bedtimes. It is normal for kids to want to stay up late, especially if they are texting with their friends or there is a big game on TV. One night, nag them until they go to bed. The next night, you’ll likely all be tired from the previous night’s effort, so just let them choose their own bedtime, or ignore them until they fall asleep on their own. That way they will realize that, actually, they are in control of their bedtimes. If their attention or impulse control at school suffers because they are tired, excellent stimulants, like Ritalin, are widely available.

8.      Confide in your kids as though they are your close friends, especially if you really need someone to talk to about a problem or if you are already crying or enraged. Lack of boundaries creates the expectation that your business is their business to worry about and fix. Having you as a friend first and parent second ensures that their close friendships with peers don’t fully develop, and therefore won’t interfere with their closeness to you (or their ability to support you when you need them). Moreover, this lack of boundaries will ensure that they are often rude to you, much in the same way they are with their siblings.

9.      Don’t insist kids write thank you notes. Kids are busy, and so are you (and we all know it is you that will be saddled with addressing and mailing the notes). People already know that kids are grateful for all they have and everything that receive; no need for them to learn how to express their appreciation in written form, especially given how much they already have going on.

10.  Make sure they never have to do an entry-level or minimum wage job. Boredom is uncomfortable and unnecessary (see tip two). Working their way up in an organization is a waste of time if you can use your connections to help them start at the top; hopefully they’ll pick up a strong work-ethic from all the people around them that did earn their positions. (If they need cash, see tip four.) Bonus # one: Kids start to assume that all adults are willing to go the extra mile for them, and that they are entitled to skip the hard bits in life. Bonus # two: This will greatly reduce the odds that they’ll ever work in a service industry, or have the chance to work alongside people different from them — and increase the odds that they’ll act superior and degrading to servers and cashiers everywhere.

11.  Above all, let them out of their chores around the house. Kids often have trouble managing their time; it is understandable if they are distracted by video games, Instagram, or 10,000 texts from their friends. Nothing is more relevant to adolescents than what is happening on their phones — remember, this is normal. They need to keep up with the social scene if they are to have friends and be accepted by their peer group. If they have homework, don’t compound their distraction or time-management issues by asking them to empty the dishwasher.

These techniques will ensure not just that your kid will be ill-mannered and entitled, but also possibly insecure, materialistic, anxious (or arrogant), and dependent. They definitely won’t develop the skills they need to sustain lasting and loyal friendships without your near constant interference, to handle stress and anxiety without drugs and alcohol, or to hold down a real job without your connections. What better way to shore up our family connections than to ensure that our kids always live with us?

 Does this post make you cringe? It makes me a little nervous because I have done nearly all of these things myself at some point as a parent! But then I remember that:

We are parenting in a culture that makes it very easy to make these mistakes! Even so, we can raise kind kids with strong characters.                                               -Dr. Christine Carter