Recently, I have been thinking about entitlement and how it
relates to gratitude. Entitlement, not ingratitude, may be the opposite of
gratitude and definitely blocks out many opportunities to grow with gratitude.
Dr.
Christine Carter wrote a humorous and ironic blog that warns us of the possible
consequences of our parenting choices. As a teacher and parent, I found them
all to be very thought provoking.Check out Christine Carter’s full
blog at:
In my next blog, I will present some ideas about combating entitlement
in children and families.
11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude
1. Make sure your kids have access to all the
latest iDevices anytime they want. For
example, they can be playing games on an iPad in the car while you are
chauffeuring them around. That way, they won’t even respond when you ask them
about school or point out something interesting to them. (They won’t even know
where they are, or where they are going, and so they won’t ask you those
annoying “Are we there yet?” questions! You’ll probably have to nag them to get
out of the car they’ll like being there so much!) Similarly, if they
have their phone at dinner, they won’t ever have to stop texting their
friends, or engage in dinner table conversation – and so they will
never be bored or antsy!
2. Do everything within your power to prevent
your kids from feeling pain. This includes any sort of discomfort,
difficulty, or disappointment. Cover for them when they make mistakes. Insist teachers raise
mediocre grades. That way, kids won’t learn how to rise to challenges or handle
their mistakes themselves, and they will feel entitled to a life free from
discomfort or disappointment. And when the going gets rough in the future,
they’ll be more likely to find a way to lie or cheat their way out of the situation
— or they’ll instantly start blaming others.
3. When things aren’t going your way, point to
the shortcomings of other people. You are entitled to good service from the dry cleaners,
cable guy, flight attendants, etc.. Since your kids will never have one of
these jobs (see tip ten), there is really no need to show empathy or compassion
towards underperforming service workers. Similarly, when your kids bring home
bad grades, listen earnestly to their accusations about how bad their teachers
are. Consider complaining to the Principal or School Head, or at least send an
angry email. (Note: This strategy makes it likely that your kids will also
complain harshly about you, which can be an excellent way to
get in touch with your own shortcomings.)
4. Give them money whenever they need it. This is easier than remembering to dole out
allowance, helping them find a job, teaching them to manage their own money, or
helping them understand the relative cost of all the things they desperately
“need.”
5. Pay for as many enrichment activities, tutors,
and the best sports teams you can afford. When you pay a lot for something, the coaches,
faculty and staff tend to feel they owe kids more success, praise, higher
scores, trophies, etc. They are also more likely to go out of their way to
ensure that your kids have a good time — and that they never feel defeated
or disappointed.
6. Give your kids a break, especially if they (or you) aren’t feeling
well. Everyone is under a lot of pressure these days. It is okay to limit kids’
video game playing or youtube watching to two hours a day, for example,
but these rules can be ridiculously hard to enforce on a day-to-day basis, much
less if anything out of the ordinary is happening. If you think they might have
a sore throat, or if they seem too tired to go to school, let them stay home
and watch Netflix or ESPN all day — especially if they don’t like school very
much.
7. Refuse to consistently enforce bedtimes. It is normal for kids to want to stay up
late, especially if they are texting with their friends or there is a big game
on TV. One night, nag them until they go to bed. The next night, you’ll likely
all be tired from the previous night’s effort, so just let them choose their
own bedtime, or ignore them until they fall asleep on their own. That way they
will realize that, actually, they are in control of their
bedtimes. If their attention or impulse control at school suffers because they
are tired, excellent stimulants, like Ritalin, are widely available.
8. Confide in your kids as though they are your
close friends, especially if
you really need someone to talk to about a problem or if you are already crying
or enraged. Lack of boundaries creates the expectation that your business
is their business to worry about and fix. Having you as a
friend first and parent second ensures that their close friendships with peers
don’t fully develop, and therefore won’t interfere with their closeness to you
(or their ability to support you when you need them). Moreover, this lack of
boundaries will ensure that they are often rude to you, much in the same way
they are with their siblings.
9. Don’t insist kids write thank you notes. Kids are busy, and so are you (and we
all know it is you that will be saddled with addressing and mailing the notes).
People already know that kids are grateful for all they have
and everything that receive; no need for them to learn how to express their
appreciation in written form, especially given how much they already have going
on.
10. Make sure they never have to do an entry-level
or minimum wage job. Boredom is
uncomfortable and unnecessary (see tip two). Working their way up in an
organization is a waste of time if you can use your connections to help them
start at the top; hopefully they’ll pick up a strong work-ethic from all the people
around them that did earn their positions. (If they need cash,
see tip four.) Bonus # one: Kids start to assume that all adults
are willing to go the extra mile for them, and that they are entitled to skip
the hard bits in life. Bonus # two: This will greatly reduce the odds that
they’ll ever work in a service industry, or have the chance to work alongside
people different from them — and increase the odds that
they’ll act superior and degrading to servers and cashiers everywhere.
11. Above all, let them out of their chores around
the house. Kids often have
trouble managing their time; it is understandable if they are distracted by
video games, Instagram, or 10,000 texts from their friends. Nothing is more
relevant to adolescents than what is happening on their phones — remember, this
is normal. They need to keep up with the social scene if they are to
have friends and be accepted by their peer group. If they have homework, don’t
compound their distraction or time-management issues by asking them to empty
the dishwasher.
These techniques will
ensure not just that your kid will be ill-mannered and entitled, but also
possibly insecure, materialistic, anxious (or arrogant), and dependent. They definitely won’t
develop the skills they need to sustain lasting and loyal friendships without
your near constant interference, to handle stress and anxiety without drugs and
alcohol, or to hold down a real job without your connections. What better way
to shore up our family connections than to ensure that our kids always live
with us?
Does this
post make you cringe? It makes me a little nervous because I have
done nearly all of these things myself at some point as a parent! But then I
remember that:
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