Rising Strong #2 and Writing to Heal

My last blog was about Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong. I have finished the book and here are some more thoughts:

One of the powerful aspects of Rising Strong is the way Brown writes about becoming a “wholehearted” person along with recognizing our shame and vulnerability. Brown says that wholeheartedness means “cultivating courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.’”

Personally, I have known a few people who get stuck in the first aspect of this book, they are aware of their shame and vulnerability, but they get trapped in that. They turn into “victims.” I had one friend who would preface statements by saying, “I came from a dysfunctional family.” At one point, I had to tell her that we all came from dysfunctional families and our task now is to work through that dysfunction and pain, so we don’t have to pass it on to those in our lives today or to our children.  This idea helped her and it also helped me work on my own dysfunction without being enslaved by it.

In the book, Brown does give some tools and action we all can do to process our shame and vulnerability and become more wholehearted. One thing she writes about are the benefits of "writing to heal." She gives some helpful guidelines. First of all, she says that when we are upset, resentful, angry, fearful or feeling shame, we should just jot down “the story,” what we are telling ourselves. So much of time, this “story” going on in our heads is snowballing. Just writing it down, on a computer, iPhone, paper, or post it note, gives us some perspective and takes power away from it.

One humorous thing Brown says is that we should write a S. F. D. That stands for Short First Draft, but you can substitute a more colorful S-word for some humor. In your SFD, try to include these aspects of the “story I'm making up”:

·       My emotions

·       My body

·       My thinking

·       My beliefs

·       My actions

It can be short, even just a few sentences, addressing each of these aspect. Then, if we have someone we can trust, share it with them. Brown articulately states: 
“When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.”

I am grateful that I can own my story and share it with a few close friends. Even when we are working, I can call one of them and get the details of my SFD out in 1-2 minutes. They do the same with me and it always feels good to help. Here is something else interesting about calling a friend to share, even when I just leave a voice-mail, summarizing what is going on with me, I feel much better.

The action of writing intuitively makes sense and is one of those tools that works in my life. But, I appreciate Brown citing the scientific research that shows that this is an effective action and worth our time and effort. James Pennebaker, a researcher at the University of Texas, Austin and author of Writing to Heal, says that writing helps us translate difficult and messy experiences into language that is “graspable.”

Pennebaker says, “Emotional upheavals touch every part of our lives. You don’t just lose a job, you don’t just get divorced. These things affect all aspects of who we are - our financial situation, our relationships with others, our view of ourselves, our issues of life and death. Writing helps us focus and organize our experience.”

In an interesting study, subjects were asked to write about emotional upheavals for 15-20 minutes for 4 days in a row. Subjects reported a decrease of anxiety, rumination, and depressive symptoms, as well as an increase in their immune systems. 

Check out more details on "Writing to Heal" at: https://www.utexas.edu/features/2005/writing/

Another subject Brown writes about is how men and women handle shame differently. She says that men are more likely to express anger than admit that they feel shame.  

Brown sums up this dynamic well:

“Show me a woman who can hold space for a man in real fear and vulnerability, and I’ll show you a woman who’s learned to embrace her own vulnerability and who doesn’t derive her power or status from that man. Show me a man who can sit with a woman in real fear and vulnerability and just hear her struggle without trying to fix it or give advice, and I’ll show you a man who’s comfortable with his own vulnerability and doesn’t derive his power from being Oz, the all-knowing and all-powerful.”

Here is a last quote from Teddy Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

May we all “dare greatly” to be open and vulnerable, tempered with strength and resiliency. Above all, may we all help each other grow with the healing of love.

Rising Strong

Recently, I have been enjoying Brene Brown's most recent book, Rising Strong. She explores shame, vulnerability, and living a whole-hearted life. One of her previous books, The Gifts of Imperfection, helped me cultivate a new awareness of shame and the process we can take to becoming happily and usefully whole.

Brown defines shame as feeling “I am bad” versus the feeling of guilt, which is “I did something bad.” She says guilt can help us grow and learn, but shame can take us down for the count. If we are aware of our feelings of shame and grow curious about them, as well as working on those feelings by talking to others, we may still retain the ability to be vulnerable and connect with others. Then, we are on the journey to wholehearted life. I like the way she writes about the ability we all have to “write a new ending to our story.”

Here is a quote she gives, encompassing much of the book’s ideas:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoids all entanglements. Lock it up in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C. S. Lewis

Similarly, when I was young, I heard an Irish Priest talk about the idea of walking around with our hands open or our fists clenched tight. He said that if we have open hands, we have the incredible ability to open doors, touch others, and feel many things. But, those open hands sometimes get fingers caught in doors and hurt. After some people get their fingers injured, they close their fists and decide it is better to live what feels like a safe life, instead of being vulnerable and risk being wounded again.

However, they lose the ability to open doors, to give hugs or presents, and the possibility of holding hands or touching others. As I look back on this idea, I realize that if I want to help others, I must keep my hand open and even stretch them out to others. Then, I can feel that connection that may make us “whole-hearted.”

Brown sums it up by saying, “Vulnerability-the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of the outcome-is the only path to more love, belonging, and joy.” Her book is all about opening up and finding the courage to keep growing and build up a resilience to withstand heartache and still be able to grow with love.

I am just finishing the book and will write more about my discoveries soon. Pick up a copy of Rising Strong, if you get a chance, and let me know what you think.