Gratitude Helps Marriages

Research has confirmed that practicing gratitude activities, like writing a gratitude list, strengthens all of our relationships. Now, a compelling study reports that gratitude can improve our relationships with our spouses or partners.

At the University of Georgia, close to us here in Atlanta, researchers found that couples who expressed gratitude for their spouse enjoyed better marriages. Approximately five-hundred married couples took part in this study that looked at their communication style, financial well-being and how frequently they expressed gratitude to each other. These expressions of gratitude were the most consistent predictor of a high quality of marriage. The study reported, “Couples who express gratitude for each other during good times are buffered from the withering effects of lousy times.”   

Furthermore, Ted Futris, an associate professor in the College of Family and Consumer Sciences at the University of Georgia said, "We found that feeling appreciated and believing that your spouse values you directly influences how you feel about your marriage, how committed you are to it, and your belief that it will last."

According to lead author, Allen Barton, a postdoctoral research associate at the University of Georgia's Center for Family Research, saying "thank you" to your partner is so potent that couples who make it a habit are less affected by other marital stress. Barton goes on to say, "It goes to show the power of ‘thank you’…Even if a couple is experiencing distress and difficulty in other areas, gratitude in the relationship can help promote positive marital outcomes."

Furthermore, Barton said, "Emerging findings, however, lend support for gratitude in romantic relationships — including that of perceiving spousal gratitude — to alter the effects of financial distress and negative partner behaviors on individuals' marital quality."

In addition, Barton writes, "One longitudinal study, for example, demonstrated increases in both partners' grateful mood by having one spouse keep a daily gratitude journal or overtly expressing greater amounts of gratitude to their spouse."

The authors of the study note that conflict in any relationship is inevitable but gratitude can ameliorate the negative effects of conflict. Furtis said, "All couples have disagreements and argue and, when couples are stressed, they are likely to have more arguments. What distinguishes the marriages that last from those that don't is not how often they argue, but how they argue and how they treat each other on a daily basis."

Improving Your Marriage with Gratitude

As I have researched gratitude and applied it in my life, I have found many new areas where it works. One area that it seems to work extremely well in is in the area of strengthening social bonds and relationships, especially marriages.

Gratitude can be a powerful tool to help couples connect and learn to communicate in a positive manner, enabling them break negative communication patterns in their relationships. By taking time to express gratitude to your partner, either face-to-face or writing it down, you will help improve your relationship. Today, with all our modern means of communicating, it is easier than ever to send a quick text or email to our partners and find novel ways to express your appreciation.

When I started practicing some gratitude activities in my life, I asked a close friend who had a happy and healthy marriage how he did it. He said, “Every morning, when I get out of bed and see my wife sleeping, I think of three things I am grateful for about her.” 

Even more interesting was the fact that he said that practicing gratitude changed his marriage, but his wife stayed the same. What changed, at least initially, was the way he viewed her, through the new lens of gratitude. Immediately, I tried this and it worked. When I woke up, I would look at my wife and think of three things I was grateful for about her, like her intelligence, her humor, or her unconditional love. Quickly it did improve our relationship and created more love, laughter, and intimacy. 

I also started keeping a written gratitude journal about things I was grateful for about her. From that, I would write her gratitude letters as well as telling her, in an authentic way, all the things that I appreciated about her. Like all gratitude activities, some days are easier than others, but, persevere-it will pay off.

For me, gratitude opened up a new communication with a positive spin that had us talking more than ever to each other. Of course, it wasn’t a cure all, but others who have tried this attest that it does help.

So, try improving your relationship or marriage with a little gratitude. Daily, simply think of three things you are grateful for about your spouse or partner, write them down and express them. Try it for two weeks and watch the quality of your relationship and life improve.