Gratitude – A Double Gift

Debbie Silver, Ed.D.

          Recently a superintendent confided in me that as a principal he inherited a school with a negative school culture. Desperate to shift the climate, he purchased wrist counters for every adult on campus. He instructed them to click their counters each time they made a positive comment to a student.  At the end of each week teachers and staff met together to share results. Within a few months, the number of positive affirmations were noticeably increased, and the attitudes of both teachers and faculty remarkably improved.  

          I shared with him that every year I taught, I wrote at least one letter to each of my students describing my favorite things about them and listing the qualities I would most likely remember about them. Writing those letters proved to be a gift not only for their recipients but for me as well.  

          Many students later told me the letter they got was the first time an adult had taken the time to write positive things about them. I had phone calls from parents telling me they framed their child’s letter. (One dad even tried to use his son’s letter in a custody hearing as evidence that he was a good parent).

          Though I taught as many as 200 students in a year, I made the time to continue my practice. For me writing was a natural way to express my appreciation for the time we spent together. Three decades later I still occasionally hear from former students who tell me they still have their letters and how much it meant to them then and now.  

          When I began writing letters I did it as a means for me to convey the gratitude I felt for the people who were such a big part of my life. I knew they enjoyed reading them, and I was glad to commit the time and effort to give them that small gift.

          Often, I noticed improved behavior from kids shortly after they read their letters. I considered that bonus serendipitous, but I came to understand the letter writing enterprise was not only impacting students in positive ways, it was having an advantageous effect on me.

         

          Composing a thank-you note to a student often compelled me to shift my focus from being piqued at their current misbehavior to considering the unique qualities of that child. Reflecting on the kid’s positive attributes never failed to lift my spirits and help me “reframe” my appreciation for them. My gift to them turned out to be an even greater gift to me.

          I’ve always enjoyed writing, so this activity had great appeal for me.  It’s certainly not the only way to express their gratitude to students.  Each teacher must figure out their preferred way to connect with their charges. There are many ways to do it, and my style is just one of many.  However, I am frequently asked for an example of what one of my letters might say, so here is one:

SAMPLE STUDENT LETTER

May 20, 1991

Dear Yolanda,

    It has been a delight to have you in my class this year.  You literally brighten the room when you walk in with your twinkling eyes and your infectious smile. I admire how you use your sense of humor and your excellent observational skills to help keep things calm for all those around you. You have developed the ability to sense what needs to be said and when to say it.  Because of your skills, I have a feeling you are going to end up in a profession that deals with helping people (teaching, maybe?).

    When I look back on this year I will remember you standing up for Kathy when no one else would.  I will think about how courageous you were when you came to me and confessed about the “you-know-what.”   I’ll smile every time I recall you bounding excitedly in the door calling, “I’m here, did I miss anything?” And I will never forget your many acts of kindness to me and to those around you.

Thanks for being such a shining star!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Silver

          I often wonder how much we could improve school cultures by engaging the adults in the act of communicating our gratitude to each other as well as to our students.  I realize that not everyone feels comfortable writing to each other, but a simple grateful statement expressed on a regular basis can uplift both the giver and the recipient.  Even an unsigned note in a teacher’s box can uplift their spirits for an entire day. Perhaps it’s time to shift our attention from all that is wrong with our schools and start giving thanks for what’s right. Expressing gratitude has rewards for both the giver and the receiver.

Dr. Debbie Silver is a humorist and learning consultant with over 30 years experience as a teacher, staff development facilitator, and university professor. As a classroom teacher, Debbie won numerous awards, including the 1990 Louisiana Teacher of the Year award. She speaks worldwide on issues involving education and is a passionate advocate for students and teachers.  She is the author of four bestselling books including, DeliberateOptimism: Reclaiming the Joy in Teaching and Teaching Kids to Thrive: Essential Skills for Success.