Being Grateful while Embracing Sadness

 

Recently, I saw someone posted a comment on my gratitude blog that said, “You gratitude people never feel any pain.” I first dismissed this as someone possibly “trolling” the blog. But then I reflected that there are many misconceptions about gratitude and this short comment aligns well with something I am working on lately, sitting with the pain in my life and embracing sadness.

For years, I have utilized the idea that what I focus on in life grows, and for the most part, I think that is true. But I also want to be whole, and I realize that exploring my sadness, anger, resentment, and other emotions that I may classify as “negative” is important. In fact, no emotion is negative or positive, but how I respond to that emotion can make it positive or negative.

Part of being human is experiencing pain and if I deny pain, then it will come out in distorted ways toward myself and others. These days, I am trying to be aware of pain, sadness, and anger, bringing new awareness and allowing them. Whenever possible, I explore and process them by talking to others and journaling, sometimes uncovering new information that allows me to discern if this emotion is prompting me to change something in myself or in my life. For example, my anger may serve as an impetus to rally others to help us change an unfair situation.

Dr. Lori Santos, a Yale Professor, has a powerful podcast on the subject of embracing sadness,where she talks to journalist Helen Russell, author of How to be Sad: Everything I’ve Learned About Getting Happier by Being Sad Better. This podcast reminds me that instead of ignoring my sadness, if I explore it and accept it, I will be healthier emotionally and have a new opportunity to connect with others and grow toward being authentic and whole.

A leading writer on gratitude, David Stendl-Rast, said that there are some things in life no one should be grateful for, such as war, violence, or the death of a loved one. This confirms my findings, that taking gratitude to an extreme form leads to negative results. Additionally, there seems to be a form of “toxic gratitude” where an individual may be ignoring something that needs to be changed in their life by trying merely to be grateful for it. Of course, seeking professional help is always recommended in these types of situations.

Personally, I have experienced loss, with my brother passing away a decade ago and my father a year ago. Through these experiences, I found that grief and gratitude can sometimes come together and help balance each other out. For me, this is not about avoiding pain, but letting the gratitude for another heal the experience of missing them. Gratitude will never fill the hole in my heart or take away the pain or sadness created by the loss, but it helps me remember that a physical death does not end a relationship with a loved one. You can read about this more in my blog on Huff Post.

Furthermore, Brene Brown, a professor and researcher on emotions, posted something on social media about the importance of gratitude and someone responded by writing, “gratitude might be an overrated cure for depression, trauma, and anxiety.” Brown points out that gratitude is not a “cure,” and we need to be wary of any single approach that sold as fixing or curing complex mental health issues.

However, gratitude remains a practice that can enrich our lives and allow us to participate more in our lives as the following quote from Dr. Robert Emmons, a leading researcher on gratitude, wrote:

“Research on emotion shows that positive emotions wear off quickly. Our emotional systems like newness. They like novelty. They like change. We adapt to positive life circumstances so that before too long, the new car, the new spouse, the new house-they don’t feel so new and exciting anymore.

But gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something, and when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it; we’re less likely to take it for granted.

In effect, I think gratitude allows us to participate more in life. We notice the positive more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Instead of adapting to goodness, we celebrate goodness. We spend so much time watching things-movies, computer screens, sports-but with gratitude we become greater participants in our lives as opposed to spectators.”