Eight Keys to Forgiveness

Here is a powerful and compelling article from Greater Good Science Center. Check out more articles and resources at:

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/

Forgiveness can be incredibly difficult. Robert Enright explains where to start.
When another person hurts us, it can upend our lives.

This essay has been adapted from 8 Keys to Forgiveness (W. W. Norton & Company, 2015)

Sometimes the hurt is very deep, such as when a spouse or a parent betrays our trust, or when we are victims of crime, or when we’ve been harshly bullied. Anyone who has suffered a grievous hurt knows that when our inner world is badly disrupted, it’s difficult to concentrate on anything other than our turmoil or pain. When we hold on to hurt, we are emotionally and cognitively hobbled, and our relationships suffer.
Forgiveness is strong medicine for this. When life hits us hard, there is nothing as effective as forgiveness for healing deep wounds. I would not have spent the last 30 years of my life studying forgiveness if I were not convinced of this.
Many people have misconceptions about what forgiveness really means—and they may eschew it. Others may want to forgive, but wonder whether or not they truly can. Forgiveness does not necessarily come easily; but it is possible for many of us to achieve, if we have the right tools and are willing to put in the effort.
Below is an outline of the basic steps involved in following a path of forgiveness, adapted from my new book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness. As you read through these steps, think about how you might adapt them to your own life.

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters

Forgiveness is about goodness, about extending mercy to those who’ve harmed us, even if they don’t “deserve” it. It is not about finding excuses for the offending person’s behavior or pretending it didn’t happen. Nor is there a quick formula you can follow. Forgiveness is a process with many steps that often proceeds in a non-linear fashion.
But it’s well worth the effort. Working on forgiveness can help us increase our self-esteem and give us a sense of inner strength and safety. It can reverse the lies that we often tell ourselves when someone has hurt us deeply—lies like, I am defeated or I’m not worthy. Forgiveness can heal us and allow us to move on in life with meaning and purpose. Forgiveness matters, and we will be its primary beneficiary.
Studies have shown that forgiving others produces strong psychological benefits for the one who forgives. It has been shown to decrease depression, anxiety, unhealthy anger, and the symptoms of PTSD. But we don’t just forgive to help ourselves. Forgiveness can lead to psychological healing, yes; but, in its essence, it is not something about you or done for you. It is something you extend toward another person, because you recognize, over time, that it is the best response to the situation.

2. Become “forgivingly fit”

Read and watch Fred Luskin explain "What is Forgiveness?"

Read three evolutionary truths about forgiveness and revenge.

Discover how to overcome barriers to forgiveness.

How forgiving are you? Take our quiz!

Try this forgiveness practice, based on Enright's work.

To practice forgiveness, it helps if you have worked on positively changing your inner world by learning to be what I call “forgivingly fit.” Just as you would start slowly with a new physical exercise routine, it helps if you build up your forgiving heart muscles slowly, incorporating regular “workouts” into your everyday life.
You can start becoming more fit by making a commitment to do no harm—in other words, making a conscious effort not to talk disparagingly about those who’ve hurt you. You don’t have to say good things; but, if you refrain from talking negatively, it will feed the more forgiving side of your mind and heart.
You can also make a practice of recognizing that every person is unique, special, and irreplaceable. You may come to this through religious beliefs or a humanist philosophy or even through your belief in evolution. It’s important to cultivate this mindset of valuing our common humanity, so that it becomes harder to discount someone who has harmed you as unworthy.
You can show love in small ways in everyday encounters—like smiling at a harried grocery cashier or taking time to listen to a child. Giving love when it’s unnecessary helps to build the love muscle, making it easier to show compassion toward everyone. If you practice small acts of forgiveness and mercy—extending care when someone harms you—in everyday life, this too will help. Perhaps you can refrain from honking when someone cuts you off in traffic, or hold your tongue when your spouse snaps at you and extend a hug instead.
Sometimes pride and power can weaken your efforts to forgive by making you feel entitled and inflated, so that you hang onto your resentment as a noble cause. Try to catch yourself when you are acting from that place, and choose forgiveness or mercy, instead. If you need inspiration, it can help to seek out stories of mercy in the world by going to the International Forgiveness Institute website: www.internationalforgiveness.com.

3. Address your inner pain

It’s important to figure out who has hurt you and how. This may seem obvious; but not every action that causes you suffering is unjust. For example, you don’t need to forgive your child or your spouse for being imperfect, even if their imperfections are inconvenient for you.
To become clearer, you can look carefully at the people in your life—your parents, siblings, peers, spouse, coworkers, children, and even yourself—and rate how much they have hurt you. Perhaps they have exercised power over you or withheld love; or maybe they have physically harmed you. These hurts have contributed to your inner pain and need to be acknowledged. Doing this will give you an idea of who needs forgiveness in your life and provide a place to start.
There are many forms of emotional pain; but the common forms are anxiety, depression, unhealthy anger, lack of trust, self-loathing or low self-esteem, an overall negative worldview, and a lack of confidence in one’s ability to change. All of these harms can be addressed by forgiveness; so it’s important to identify the kind of pain you are suffering from and to acknowledge it. The more hurt you have incurred, the more important it is to forgive, at least for the purpose of experiencing emotional healing.
You may be able to do this accounting on your own, or you may need the help of a therapist. However you approach looking at your pain be sure you do it in an environment that feels safe and supportive.

4. Develop a forgiving mind through empathy

Scientists have studied what happens in the brain when we think about forgiving and have discovered that, when people successfully imagine forgiving someone (in a hypothetical situation), they show increased activity in the neural circuits responsible for empathy. This tells us that empathy is connected to forgiveness and is an important step in the process.
If you examine some of the details in the life of the person who harmed you, you can often see more clearly what wounds he carries and start to develop empathy for him. First, try to imagine him as an innocent child, needing love and support. Did he get that from the parents? Research has shown that if an infant does not receive attention and love from primary caregivers, then he will have a weak attachment, which can damage trust. It may prevent him from ever getting close to others and set a trajectory of loneliness and conflict for the rest of his life.
You may be able to put an entire narrative together for the person who hurt you—from early child through adulthood—or just imagine it from what you know. You may be able to see her physical frailties and psychological suffering, and begin to understand the common humanity that you share. You may recognize her as a vulnerable person who was wounded and wounded you in return. Despite what she may have done to hurt you, you realize that she did not deserve to suffer, either.
Recognizing that we all carry wounds in our hearts can help open the door to forgiveness.

5. Find meaning in your suffering

When we suffer a great deal, it is important that we find meaning in what we have endured. Without seeing meaning, a person can lose a sense of purpose, which can lead to hopelessness and a despairing conclusion that there is no meaning to life itself. That doesn’t mean we look for suffering in order to grow or try to find goodness in another’s bad actions. Instead, we try to see how our suffering has changed us in a positive way.
Even as one suffers, it’s possible to develop short-term and sometimes long-range goals in life. Some people begin to think about how they can use their suffering to cope, because they’ve become more resilient or brave. They may also realize that their suffering has altered their perspective regarding what is important in life, changing their long-range goals for themselves.
To find meaning is not to diminish your pain or to say, I’ll just make the best of it or All things happen for a reason. You must always take care to address the woundedness in yourself and to recognize the injustice of the experience, or forgiveness will be shallow.
Still, there are many ways to find meaning in our suffering. Some may choose to focus more on the beauty of the world or decide to give service to others in need. Some may find meaning by speaking their truth or by strengthening their inner resolve. If I were to give one answer, it would be that we should use our suffering to become more loving and to pass that love onto others. Finding meaning, in and of itself, is helpful for finding direction in forgiveness.

6. When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths

Forgiveness is always hard when we are dealing with deep injustices from others. I have known people who refuse to use the word forgiveness because it just makes them so angry. That’s OK—we all have our own timelines for when we can be merciful. But if you want to forgive and are finding it hard, it might help to call upon other resources.
First remember that if you are struggling with forgiveness, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at forgiveness. Forgiveness is a process that takes time, patience, and determination. Try not to be harsh on yourself, but be gentle and foster a sense of quiet within, an inner acceptance of yourself. Try to respond to yourself as you would to someone whom you love deeply.
Surround yourself with good and wise people who support you and who have the patience to allow you time to heal in your own way. Also, practice humility—not in the sense of putting yourself down, but in realizing that we are all capable of imperfection and suffering.
Try to develop courage and patience in yourself to help you in the journey. Also, if you practice bearing small slights against you without lashing out, you give a gift to everyone—not only to the other person, but to everyone whom that person may harm in the future because of your anger. You can help end the cycle of inflicting pain on others.
If you are still finding it hard to forgive, you can choose to practice with someone who is easier to forgive—maybe someone who hurt you in a small way, rather than deeply. Alternatively, it can be better to focus on forgiving the person who is at the root of your pain—maybe a parent who was abusive, or a spouse who betrayed you. If this initial hurt impacts other parts of your life and other relationships, it may be necessary to start there.

7. Forgive yourself

Most of us tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on others and we struggle to love ourselves. If you are not feeling lovable because of actions you’ve taken, you may need to work on self-forgiveness and offer to yourself what you offer to others who have hurt you: a sense of inherent worth, despite your actions.
In self-forgiveness, you honor yourself as a person, even if you are imperfect. If you’ve broken your personal standards in a serious way, there is a danger of sliding into self-loathing. When this happens, you may not take good care of yourself—you might overeat or oversleep or start smoking or engage in other forms of “self-punishment.” You need to recognize this and move toward self-compassion. Soften your heart toward yourself.
After you have been able to self-forgive, you will also need to engage in seeking forgiveness from others whom you’ve harmed and right the wrongs as best as you can. It’s important to be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to forgive you and to practice patience and humility. But, a sincere apology, free of conditions and expectations, will go a long way toward your receiving forgiveness in the end.

8. Develop a forgiving heart

When we overcome suffering, we gain a more mature understanding of what it means to be humble, courageous, and loving in the world. We may be moved to create an atmosphere of forgiveness in our homes and workplaces, to help others who’ve been harmed overcome their suffering, or to protect our communities from a cycle of hatred and violence. All of these choices can lighten the heart and bring joy to one’s life.

Some people may believe that love for another who’s harmed you is not possible. But, I’ve found that many people who forgive eventually find a way to open their hearts. If you shed bitterness and put love in its place, and then repeat this with many, many other people, you become freed to love more widely and deeply. This kind of transformation can create a legacy of love that will live on long after you’re gone.

What Great Teachers Do Differently

Recently, I found this and wanted to pass it on. This is not just for teachers. The principles may be applied in many of our endeavors. 

What Great Teachers Do Differently

Fourteen Things That Matter Most

by Todd Whitaker

1.     Great teachers never forget that it is people, not programs, that determine the quality of a school.

2.     Great teachers establish clear expectations at the start of the year and follow them consistently as the year progresses.

3.     When a student misbehaves, great teachers have one goal: to keep the behavior from happening again.

4.     Great teachers have high expectations for students but even higher expectations for themselves.

5.     Great teachers know who is the variable in the classroom: They are. Good teachers consistently strive to improve, and they focus on something they can control—their own performance.

6.     Great teachers create a positive atmosphere in their classrooms and schools. They treat every person with respect. In particular, they understand the power of praise.

7.     Great teachers consistently filter out the negatives that don’t matter and share a positive attitude.

8.     Great teachers work hard to keep their relationships in good repair—to avoid personal hurt and to repair any possible damage.

9.     Great teachers have the ability to ignore trivial disturbances and the ability to respond to inappropriate behavior without escalating the situation.

10. Great teachers have a plan and purpose for everything they do. If things don’t work out the way they had envisioned, they reflect on what they could have done differently and adjust their plans accordingly.

11. Before making any decision or attempting to bring about any change, great teachers ask themselves one central question: What will the best people think?

12. Great teachers continually ask themselves who is most comfortable and who is least comfortable with each decision they make. They treat everyone as if they were good.

13. Great teachers keep standardized testing in perspective; they center on the real issue of student learning.

14. Great teachers care about their students. They understand that behaviors and beliefs are tied to emotion, and they understand the power of emotion to jump-start change.

I would add "15. Great teachers understand the power of Gratitude to empower a positive classroom and help everyone progress through the school year with a smile."

7 Ways to Flex Your Curiosity Muscles

"I have no special talents, I am only passionately curious." - Albert Einstein

Here are 7 ideas to try to make your life bolder and more exciting, infused with curiosity. What is the payoff for growing in curiosity? When we embrace curiosity and make it part of our daily lives, we grow in joy and wonder. Most importantly, it will keep us forever young in the most important part of us, our spirit. As someone who just turned 50, curiosity is keeping me young and vital. One of my student’s parents humorously said, “You are pretty spry for a 50 year old.” Curiosity keeps me spry and energized.

1.     Utilize every moment of your day to fuel you curiosity.

Find time every day to stimulate your curiosity. While driving, I listen to Podcasts on a variety of subjects, everything from science, music, and literature to pop culture. It takes away the stress of driving as I learn and develop my curiosity. Podcasts that appeal to my curiosity most are: Radio Lab, TED Radio Hour, The Hidden Brain, American Radio Works (about Education), On Being, This American Life, The Savvy Psychologist, and Fresh Air. I even found a podcast for kids about science that my son and I love to listen to called Brains On. Their motto is “Brains On, where we are serious about curiosity.” An added bonus is that you can get almost all these podcasts for free from the iTunes store or directly from the podcast’s website.

Here is another example of using all the time in your day to increase your curiosity. If you are in line at the store, look around for details you may not have noticed or strike up a conversation with someone new. One day, in line at Wal-Mart, I started talking to the cashier by simply asking how she was doing. She said she was great but tired because this was her second job that paid for her son’s tutoring. When she gets really tired, she said she just reminded herself that this was all so her son could get into a good college. Immediately, I told her I was a teacher and we connected briefly but deeply. I left the store feeling uplifted and encouraged by her hard work and determination to help her son succeed, all fueled by a little curiosity.

2.     Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Fear is part of life, especially when we are trying something new. Be aware of the fear, but then do it anyway. Start with something small from this list and build up your confidence and strength.

A friend told me how his 75 year old mom just learned to water ski. I asked if she was afraid of breaking a hip and he said, “My Mom would never let that stop her from having fun.” What a great attitude! If we remind ourselves that there is a payoff just from trying something new and let our curiosity grow as we try these new adventures, we can alleviate the fear and not let it block us or keep us stuck in a “small” life.

3.     Take a break from electronics and try something new.

Turn off electronics for a portion of your day and try something new. Although the internet and computers can stimulate our curiosity, many of us get stuck in ruts with electronics. Curiosity is about breaking out of these ruts.  

Don’t be afraid to try something new, like: play a new sport, get into nature, or learn a musical instrument. All three of these activities can spark curiosity and invigorate our lives. I combine these activities as I mountain bike, exploring nature as I get some great exercise. On these bike trips, I get my best ideas about writing and life.

4.     Get to know someone better.

Have a conversation with someone you know, but ask new questions. There are fun lists of questions online at: http://www.humorthatworks.com/how-to/50-questions-to-get-to-know-someone/. Talk to a family member of old friend, using these questions or think of new things to ask, like questions about a person’s history or their hopes and dreams. Recently, my wife and I enjoyed a 3 hour lunch (without our son) and found new things about each other, deepening our relationship and love for each other.

5.     Take a free, online class at https://www.edx.org/.

Cultivate your curiosity by taking a free class online. You can take everything from astro-physics to psychology to gourmet cooking. I took a class on Positive Psychology and learned new concepts and skills. Most of these classes are not graded and for enrichment, so there is no pressure.

6.     Pleasure Read or join a Reading Group.

Before spring break one year, a 4^th grader said, “Mr. Griffith, have you read the Harry Potter series?” I told her that I hadn’t. She said, “Just try it for me and if you don’t like it, that is OK.” Well, I did try it and loved it. Now, I pleasure read a little every day and find new books to read on www.goodreads.com, sharing with friends. It is the highlight of my day and so much more engaging than TV. Right now, my wife and I are reading Harry Potter to my 6 year old son, passing on the gift of curiosity and the love of reading. 

Yesterday, the librarian at our school told me, “Reading children turn into thinking adults.” I would add “thinking and curious adults.” If you already read, join a reading group that meets locally or online. Explore fiction and non-fiction while making new and interesting friends.

7.     Write a novel in the month of November.

Use the National Novel Writing Month website at http://nanowrimo.org/ to write a novel next month. The website tells you to write a novel whether or not you think you are a good writer. Their method works. Entire schools have had students and teachers take a little time every day to write and they have completed the book by the end of November. Some popular and published authors have started by doing this exercise, like Sara Gruen, who wrote Water for Elephants as part of this project. Her novel went on to be a best-seller and they also made a movie from it. Even if you don’t get your novel finished or published, your curiosity will be sparked. On the web site, they even have a tab for “Inspiration” to help keep that inspiration and curiosity going.

Curiosity-A Key to a Full Life

Recently, I heard the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Love, Pray, say that her new book, Big Magic, focuses on the way we live. She says there are two over-arching ways to live:

1.     Live a life based on FEAR, with a small life, where we do the same things over and over, thinking it is always safe because we will know the outcome.

2.     Live a life based on CURIOSITY, an expanding life, trying new things, not knowing the outcome always, but a life full of an unquenchable thirst for knowledge with growing relationships as well as new experiences.

Gratitude is helping my curiosity, especially when teaching and parenting. It easy for all of us to get stuck in a "small-life" circumscribed with fear, but we can also break out of it with gratitude or whatever else works for us. I have a friend who says he knows the cure for boredom. It is curiosity. I agree.

Here are 6 Surprising Benefits of Curiosity from the Greater Good Science Center web site. You may access it at this link to find the research articles mentioned.

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_surprising_benefits_of_curiosity?utm_source=GGSC+Newsletter+-+October++2015&utm_campaign=GG+Newsletter++-+October+2015&utm_medium=email

1. Curiosity helps us survive. The urge to explore and seek novelty helps us remain vigilant and gain knowledge about our constantly changing environment, which may be why our brains evolved to release dopamine and other feel-good chemicals when we encounter new things.
2. Curious people are happier. Research has shown curiosity to be associated with higher levels of positive emotions, lower levels of anxiety, more satisfaction with life, and greater psychological well-being. Of course, it may be, at least partially, that people who are already happier tend to be more curious, but since novelty makes us feel good (see above), it seems likely that it goes the other direction as well.
3. Curiosity boosts achievement. Studies reveal that curiosity leads to more enjoyment and participation in school and higher academic achievement, as well as greater learning, engagement, and performance at work. It may seem like common sense, but when we are more curious about and interested in what we are doing, it’s easier to get involved, put effort in, and do well.
4. Curiosity can expand our empathy. When we are curious about others and talk to people outside our usual social circle, we become better able to understand those with lives, experiences, and worldviews different than our own. Next time you have the chance to talk with a stranger, especially someone who may be quite dissimilar to you, try engaging with them on a personal level (respectfully, of course) and showing them that you are interested in what they have to say.
5. Curiosity helps strengthen relationships. One study asked strangers to pose and answer personal questions, a process scientists call “reciprocal self-disclosure.” They found that people were rated as warmer and more attractive if they showed real curiosity in the exchange (while other variables like the person’s social anxiety and their levels of positive and negative emotions did not affect the partner’s feelings of attraction and closeness). This implies that demonstrating curiosity towards someone is a great way to build your closeness with them.
6. Curiosity improves healthcare. Research suggests that when doctors are genuinely curious about their patients’ perspectives, both doctors and patients report less anger and frustration and make better decisions, ultimately increasing the effectiveness of treatment.

Next week, I will give some activities to expand and strengthen our curiosity.

A Random Act of Kindness-Two Dollars Can Change My Life

This morning at the local gas station, I experienced something that I haven’t in a long time, a random act of kindness that could change my life, if I let it.

I went to get gas for my lawn mower. Only needing a little, I prepaid $1.50. When I got back to the pump and started to pump it, I saw the total shot up to $2.13, and my gas can almost overflowed. Figuring it was just a mistake, I went back in to pay for the extra.

But, the cashier said that a woman put 2 extra dollars on my pump. Surprised, I asked if she was still out there so I could give it back to her, but the cashier said that she had already left. Puzzled, I got the rest of the change and told the cashier that I would “pay it forward” and give those $2 to someone else anonymously.

This simple event made me think about altruism and the concept of practicing “Random Acts of Kindness” or “Paying It Forward.” This is not new. Oprah ran a big campaign about it over a decade ago, and the movie Pay It Forward was great (although I didn’t enjoy the ending).

As I drove home, I realized this is a timeless concept - the idea of helping others and doing it anonymously can profoundly transform our worlds in both small and huge ways. If more people practiced this concept regularly, the transformation internally for those people and externally in the world would be astonishing.

I have a joyful friend who says that every day she tries to do a good deed and not get “found out.” This could be paying for someone’s toll or even something more mundane, like vacuuming the house and not telling anyone.

This friend tells an inspiring story about how this started. She was given the task of doing a good act and not taking any credit. She couldn’t think of anything to do, so she was assigned (by another friend) to take a bouquet of flowers into a local nursing home, tell the receptionist to give it to a patient who never gets any visitors, and quietly walk out before the receptionist can thank her or ask any questions.

After some resistance, she did it and made a clean get away, saying the receptionist looked pleasantly puzzled. Feeling elated, she immediately took out her cell phone to call her friend and tell her the story. Luckily, she caught herself before she made the call and put the cell phone away. For two days, she was bursting with this news and could hardly contain herself from sharing it.

This is where the exercise took on an unexpected dimension. She realized that when we tell others about the “good deeds” we do, we are getting the reward right there. But, by keeping it anonymous and not telling anyone, we are cultivating a feeling inside ourselves that she described as “a ray of sunshine inside our hearts” that kept growing and growing.

As a 4^th grade teacher, I tell my students this story every year and challenge them to do a good deed and not get found out. The students always come up with some creative actions to take, like:

·         mowing a neighbor’s lawn
·         cleaning up trash at a local park
·         cleaning up their room or a messy sibling’s room
·         giving cash stealthily to a church at offering time
·         being quiet when they feel like yelling at a sibling
·         setting the table while no one is looking
·         eating “yucky” vegetables with a smile
·         baby-sitting younger siblings without complaining.

During our class discussion, a truly thoughtful student commented that my friend should have gone back to the nursing home and asked to talk to the recipient of the flowers, letting them know why the flowers were left for them. The student said that if someone really wanted to help a lonely person in a nursing home, they should visit them once a week and get to know them. This would not violate the challenge because they wouldn’t have to tell anyone else about it.

Impressed with the idea, the students asked if we could try this as a class. We actually found an organization that helps match students with seniors who need companionship. Currently, we are moving forward to implement this idea, thanks to a thoughtful student taking this story in a new and powerful direction.

The challenge or experiment this week for all of us is to find a good deed to do and not to get caught or tell anyone, and see if we feel that sunshine grow inside us. Then, repeat the challenge often. If I can do this myself, those two dollars will be the best investment someone has ever made.

Quote to end story:

“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody noticed, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.”

- John Lennon

Antidotes to Entitlement

Last week, I posted an ironic blog by Dr. Christine Carter about how to make our children feel entitled. Today, I will explore entitlement more deeply and give some antidotes to entitlement.

Let’s look at a definition of entitlement given by the American Psychiatric Association as, “unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment.” How does entitlement relate to gratitude? It is the opposite of gratitude. The paradox of entitlement is that when we always get what we want, we may appreciate it less.  

Often, entitlement is linked with expectations. In a humorous scene from Harry Potter that I read to my son recently, expectations are beautifully exemplified as Dudley, Harry’s spoiled cousin, is counting his birthday presents and instead of being thankful, he erupts in anger when he notices that he didn’t get as many gifts as he did the year before.

Likewise, in life sometimes we build up expectations of what we should get and if we don’t get it as quickly as we like, we also may be upset. As parents and educators, our reactions in life are showing our children how to act, whether we realize it or not. Thus, our responses to the frustrations of not getting what we want as quickly as we want it, may give our children and students a wrong example of how to act. But, we do not have to be perfect, just apply some awareness to our actions in those situations and try to start changing those reactions.

Here is the good news: applying gratitude in our families is a powerful step to displace entitlement. When we employ one of the gratitude strategies in our families, we are allowing a new way of thinking and acting to form. We can start a family gratitude journal, share three good things that happened today around the dinner table or write gratitude letters. .

Another option is to allow family members to choose an activity. Visit the Greater Good Science Center Website to find instructions on 7 different gratitude activities to choose from at:

http://ggia.berkeley.edu/#filters=gratitude

Nevertheless, change doesn’t always happen quickly in our families. We need to be patient and realize we are trying to supersede some entrenched habits of thinking and acting.

We can take gratitude further and make it an action in our families. Transforming gratitude from a feeling to an action can be a challenge, but altruistic actions, practiced as a family can also help. I heard one friend put it succinctly, “Don’t tell me how grateful you are, show me how grateful you are.”

Coming from a foundation of gratitude, families can undertake acts of altruism and compassion to foster gratitude and overtake those feelings of entitlement. Moreover, by demonstrating gratitude as a family, we are helping to re-calibrate our priorities and to eliminate those overpowering feelings of privilege.

Here is a story from my family about practicing gratitude and what we learned from the endeavor. Last Christmas, our neighbors had the creative and powerful idea to make little “survival” kits for homeless people. The idea was that our two families would get together and make a list of the things that should be in these kits. Next, we would split the list and purchase the items. Finally, we would have a little party where we would talk about the joy of helping others as our children helped us assemble the kits.

In the kits, my son thought everyone should have a toothbrush and soap, so they would feel clean. We also inserted protein bars because our neighbor’s child said that when she was hungry and away from home, a protein bar always made her tummy feel better. So, we put all the kits together in a big box and took them to the local homeless shelter.

As we undertook this activity, we wove in gratitude, talking about how fortunate we are to have a house, where we feel safe and can take a shower anytime we want. Also, we expressed our thankfulness for all the food we have at our fingertips and the fact that we never really have to feel hungry.

This activity had some far-reaching positive results. The next time we ventured into downtown Atlanta to visit the zoo, our son saw a homeless person and said, “Look, there is one of the homeless people we helped. Can we do that again to help more people?” Of course we will do that again and bring more gratitude into our lives while helping others.

11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude

Recently, I have been thinking about entitlement and how it relates to gratitude. Entitlement, not ingratitude, may be the opposite of gratitude and definitely blocks out many opportunities to grow with gratitude.

Dr. Christine Carter wrote a humorous and ironic blog that warns us of the possible consequences of our parenting choices. As a teacher and parent, I found them all to be very thought provoking.Check out Christine Carter’s full blog at:

http://www.positivelypositive.com/2015/06/23/11-ways-to-raise-a-child-who-is-entitled-and-rude/

In my next blog, I will present some ideas about combating entitlement in children and families.

11 Ways to Raise a Child who is Entitled and Rude

1.      Make sure your kids have access to all the latest iDevices anytime they want. For example, they can be playing games on an iPad in the car while you are chauffeuring them around. That way, they won’t even respond when you ask them about school or point out something interesting to them. (They won’t even know where they are, or where they are going, and so they won’t ask you those annoying “Are we there yet?” questions! You’ll probably have to nag them to get out of the car they’ll like being there so much!) Similarly, if they have their phone at dinner, they won’t ever have to stop texting their friends, or engage in dinner table conversation – and so they will never be bored or antsy!

2.      Do everything within your power to prevent your kids from feeling pain. This includes any sort of discomfort, difficulty, or disappointment. Cover for them when they make mistakes. Insist teachers raise mediocre grades. That way, kids won’t learn how to rise to challenges or handle their mistakes themselves, and they will feel entitled to a life free from discomfort or disappointment. And when the going gets rough in the future, they’ll be more likely to find a way to lie or cheat their way out of the situation — or they’ll instantly start blaming others.

3.      When things aren’t going your way, point to the shortcomings of other people. You are entitled to good service from the dry cleaners, cable guy, flight attendants, etc.. Since your kids will never have one of these jobs (see tip ten), there is really no need to show empathy or compassion towards underperforming service workers. Similarly, when your kids bring home bad grades, listen earnestly to their accusations about how bad their teachers are. Consider complaining to the Principal or School Head, or at least send an angry email. (Note: This strategy makes it likely that your kids will also complain harshly about you, which can be an excellent way to get in touch with your own shortcomings.)

4.      Give them money whenever they need it. This is easier than remembering to dole out allowance, helping them find a job, teaching them to manage their own money, or helping them understand the relative cost of all the things they desperately “need.”

5.      Pay for as many enrichment activities, tutors, and the best sports teams you can afford. When you pay a lot for something, the coaches, faculty and staff tend to feel they owe kids more success, praise, higher scores, trophies, etc. They are also more likely to go out of their way to ensure that your kids have a good time — and that they never feel defeated or disappointed.

6.      Give your kids a break, especially if they (or you) aren’t feeling well. Everyone is under a lot of pressure these days. It is okay to limit kids’ video game playing or youtube watching to two hours a day, for example, but these rules can be ridiculously hard to enforce on a day-to-day basis, much less if anything out of the ordinary is happening. If you think they might have a sore throat, or if they seem too tired to go to school, let them stay home and watch Netflix or ESPN all day — especially if they don’t like school very much.

7.      Refuse to consistently enforce bedtimes. It is normal for kids to want to stay up late, especially if they are texting with their friends or there is a big game on TV. One night, nag them until they go to bed. The next night, you’ll likely all be tired from the previous night’s effort, so just let them choose their own bedtime, or ignore them until they fall asleep on their own. That way they will realize that, actually, they are in control of their bedtimes. If their attention or impulse control at school suffers because they are tired, excellent stimulants, like Ritalin, are widely available.

8.      Confide in your kids as though they are your close friends, especially if you really need someone to talk to about a problem or if you are already crying or enraged. Lack of boundaries creates the expectation that your business is their business to worry about and fix. Having you as a friend first and parent second ensures that their close friendships with peers don’t fully develop, and therefore won’t interfere with their closeness to you (or their ability to support you when you need them). Moreover, this lack of boundaries will ensure that they are often rude to you, much in the same way they are with their siblings.

9.      Don’t insist kids write thank you notes. Kids are busy, and so are you (and we all know it is you that will be saddled with addressing and mailing the notes). People already know that kids are grateful for all they have and everything that receive; no need for them to learn how to express their appreciation in written form, especially given how much they already have going on.

10.  Make sure they never have to do an entry-level or minimum wage job. Boredom is uncomfortable and unnecessary (see tip two). Working their way up in an organization is a waste of time if you can use your connections to help them start at the top; hopefully they’ll pick up a strong work-ethic from all the people around them that did earn their positions. (If they need cash, see tip four.) Bonus # one: Kids start to assume that all adults are willing to go the extra mile for them, and that they are entitled to skip the hard bits in life. Bonus # two: This will greatly reduce the odds that they’ll ever work in a service industry, or have the chance to work alongside people different from them — and increase the odds that they’ll act superior and degrading to servers and cashiers everywhere.

11.  Above all, let them out of their chores around the house. Kids often have trouble managing their time; it is understandable if they are distracted by video games, Instagram, or 10,000 texts from their friends. Nothing is more relevant to adolescents than what is happening on their phones — remember, this is normal. They need to keep up with the social scene if they are to have friends and be accepted by their peer group. If they have homework, don’t compound their distraction or time-management issues by asking them to empty the dishwasher.

These techniques will ensure not just that your kid will be ill-mannered and entitled, but also possibly insecure, materialistic, anxious (or arrogant), and dependent. They definitely won’t develop the skills they need to sustain lasting and loyal friendships without your near constant interference, to handle stress and anxiety without drugs and alcohol, or to hold down a real job without your connections. What better way to shore up our family connections than to ensure that our kids always live with us?

 Does this post make you cringe? It makes me a little nervous because I have done nearly all of these things myself at some point as a parent! But then I remember that:

We are parenting in a culture that makes it very easy to make these mistakes! Even so, we can raise kind kids with strong characters.                                               -Dr. Christine Carter

What We Leave Behind-Imprints on the Soul

As we approach the end of another school year, it is time for celebration, reflection, and bittersweet goodbyes. The school year can be like a marathon race and roller-coaster all wrapped into one. I also equate the school year to a long car ride. We all start out as best friends, but as the ride gets longer, we get on each other nerves, and we may hear sayings like, “He’s looking at me, make him stop.”

In our class, we do some activities to combat this. We get a secret gratitude partner and write them letters, telling them why we appreciate them. When we reveal who are partners are, it is a joyful day. That seems to raise class morale and brings some fresh air into the long car ride of the school year.

Through all our 180 days in the classroom, it has been a fantastic school year, as it always is. In my class, we don’t do a “count-down” because this takes away from us enjoying today and being in the moment. We talk about how most of us are bored 2 weeks into summer, so let’s enjoy our precious time together.

A few days ago, at the graduation at our school, one speaker said, “Although you will physically leave this school, part of you will always stay at this school.” I really liked this. After the graduation, when we returned to the classroom, one thoughtful girl raised her hand and said, “What will I leave in this classroom after I am gone?”

Although those words were powerful, I realized that I could not immediately articulate what specifically she would leave. I looked at her smiling face and told her, “You will leave your smile in the classroom and also in my heart.” She looked up and said, “What about my intelligence?” I told her that not only would her intelligence stay with me, but her deep and original questions would resound in the minds of her classmates. She laughed, and I said that her laughter would light up our classroom even in her physical absence.

At last, I felt like I was getting at the heart of it. We all leave indelible imprints on each other, not always positive, but often memorable. I have been teaching for 10 years and have had the extreme pleasure of teaching over 300 students, and it is wonderful to know that they have all left their mark on my soul.

What the students leave with me, their imprints on my soul:

·         genuine kindness

·         hope for mankind when I see their indomitable spirit

·         a free pass into their magical worlds, full of love, wonder, play, laughter, and innocence

·         a chance to see the world through their eyes

·         a reminder to be in the moment where everything is fresh and new.

And what I hope to leave with my students:

·         a thirst for knowledge and the exhilaration of learning

·         a sense of awe and an awareness of the true strength of kindness

·         an openness and vulnerability paired with resilience

·         the gift of music as it open up parts of the soul that only music can reach

·         the idea that we never have a bad day, we just have a bad attitude

·         the thought that the difference between and adventure and an ordeal is our attitude

·         the ability to experience a profound gratitude for this world and everything in it, as well as some tools to explore that gratitude and take it deeper.