Abraham Lincoln's Letter to his Son’s Teacher

As I prepare for my son to go to his first day of Kindergarten on Monday, I was reflecting on my son’s education.  His education began long ago with my words and lessons, but more importantly, by my actions and example.  Now, his education takes on a new life with formally beginning school.  I don’t know if being a teacher gives me insight or will make me be harder on my son’s teacher.  But, I do want to be supportive and work as a team to enable my son to be successful in school and life. 

I went back to a letter from Abraham Lincoln to his son’s teacher to get some guidance and found it in abundance.  It holds simple spiritual wisdom for us all to live by:

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S LETTER TO HIS SON'S TEACHER...

 “My son starts school today. It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently. It is an adventure that might take him across continents. All adventures will probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow. To live this life will require faith, love and courage. 

So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him - but gently, if you can. Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend. He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true. But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader. 

Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found. In school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat. Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win. 

Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people. Steer him away from envy if you can and teach him the secret of quiet laughter. Teach him if you can - how to laugh when he is sad, teach him there is no shame in tears. Teach him there can be glory in failure and despair in success. Teach him to scoff at cynics. 

Teach him if you can the wonders of books, but also give time to ponder the extreme mystery of birds in the sky, bees in the sun and flowers on a green hill. Teach him to have faith in his own ideas, even if everyone tell him they are wrong. 

Try to give my son the strength not to follow the crowd when everyone else is doing it. Teach him to listen to everyone, but teach him also to filters all that he hears on a screen of truth and take only the good that comes through. 

Teach him to sell his talents and brains to the highest bidder but never to put a price tag on his heart and soul. Let him have the courage to be impatient, let him have the patient to be brave. Teach him to have sublime faith in himself, because then he will always have sublime faith in mankind, in God. 

This is the order, teacher but see what best you can do. He is such a nice little boy and he is my son."

So, I will give this to my son's teacher on Monday.  Actually, as a teacher, I know the first day of school can be like a tornado, so I will email it to the teacher and enjoy watching my son's journey begin.

Here is a quote to end the blog:

Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each.” – Plato

Forgiveness-The Other F-Word

In my last blog, I gave 12 Tips for Happiness.  One of the tips about forgiveness has stuck with me, so I wanted to drill a little deeper into forgiveness with this blog.  By the way, I love writing this blog.  The last two and a half months of writing has been a prolific and productive time for my writing and exploring spirituality and teaching.  This has allowed me to really articulate some spiritual ideas and teaching practices in a new way, yielding new understanding for me. Thank you for all the positive feedback.

“Life is an exercise in forgiveness.”  I agree with this and I do get better at forgiving as I grow, most of the time.  However, when I don’t forgive, I do feel anger and resentment cropping up that steals my serenity and happiness.  When I am harboring a resentment, my friend poses this question, “Will you forgive this person in 5 or 10 years?”  When I think about it, I always say, “Yes, I think I can.”  My friend will then say something like, “Then why don’t you do it now and save all that time.”  Well, I need to explore why I don’t forgive, how to forgive and the immense benefits and freedom when I do practice this spiritual principle.  Utilizing the spiritual tool of forgiveness is something we all can learn, but it is a process and may take time and practice. 

Here are a few quotes from the last blog that I want to interject again, “Holding on to resentments is like letting other people rent free space in your head.”

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

“Resentments are like stray cats, if you don’t feed them, they go away.”  I told my wife that and she said, “But I like stray cats.”  My wife’s comment made me think of that statement in a different light.  My wife is good at that.  She made me realize that sometimes I like my resentments.  Like a stray cat, I feed them and pet them and love them, but I get nothing back but a monster cat that is eating me from the inside. 

Reasons for not forgiving:
We don’t forgive mainly because of the 3 Ps: Power, Protection and Punishment.  Here are the illusions that go along with the 3 P's:  

I have some power over you if I do not forgive you. I am protecting myself by not forgiving you.  I am punishing you by not forgiving you. If I forgive, then you will hurt me again.  I can’t let them get away with this. They will just do it to someone else.  Holding onto my resentment will change them. (It is OK to put up healthy boundaries and let someone know there behavior is unacceptable, and then it is up to them to change.   I can still be free.  My favorite 4 spiritual words come into play here, "Bless them, change me.")

In addition, it is hard to forgive when I feel they don't deserve forgiveness. Some people feel like they can't just pretend it didn't happen or that forgiveness may feel like a sign of weakness. Last reason for not forgiving: how can I forgive when revenge sounds better?

Now I need to ask, “Why do I hold onto resentments and even feed them?”  Well, I nurse resentments because it makes me feel a little superior.  It fuels my pride and distracts me from all the “my stuff” that I should really be dealing with. 

Next, “What is the payoff?”  For every behavior, there is some kind of payoff, negative or positive.  Well, the payoff here is that when I focus on some resentment, it is easy to say that my life would be OK if that person just hadn't done that to me yesterday or 20 years ago.  I don’t have to take responsibility for my life.

Like so many other areas of spirituality, we can’t do anything until we bring the light of awareness to the situation.  One awareness question is, “If I think about a person and the resentment more than 2 times a day, it is a resentment.”  If so, I need to work on it.

Here is another question to spark awareness, “If you had fifteen minutes to live, who would you call?”  Check if that call is to straighten out a resentment.  If so, again, you have some work to do.  The good news is an exercise follows that will allow you to start the process of healing today, right now.

When we do not forgive:
The person who suffers is the one that does not forgive.  Resentment turns us all into victims. Furthermore, resentment produces the “fight or flight” response in the body and produces destructive stress hormones.  Research has confirmed that angry and resentful people do not live as long and their shorter lives are not surprisingly unhappier.

At this point, I would like to point out some things that forgiveness does not mean.  Forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is acceptable.  Nor does not it mean we should ignore our feelings. It does not mean we need to “reconcile” with the person, although that is sometimes part of it.  Finally, forgiveness does not require the other person to still be alive.  We can forgive someone who has passed away.

Reasons for Forgiving:

We forgive not because they deserve it, but because we want to be free.  If we forgive, we are free from the negative consequences physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We are free to live, laugh and love fully again.

How to forgive?

A friend gave me this forgiveness exercise from The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.  This was written by a woman who had a resentment against her mother for over 25 years.  She found this exercise in a magazine and tried it.  She was finally free.

I have also tried it and it has always worked for me.  I have given this to friends and everyone who does it consistently has success with getting some or complete freedom from their anger and resentments.  Now, this does involve “prayer” but does not require any particular religious belief.  I have had non-religious friends who tried this and it works.

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
      

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it too always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.’"

This does work if you are willing to try it, even when part of you wants to hold onto the anger and resentment so badly.  If you are skeptical, do it as an experiment and see if it works. 

A good friend of mine has a boss who is not easy to work for.  He told me that he knew he had to do something when his anger and resentment started getting in the way of enjoying his family at home.  I gave him this resentment exercise and he said that simply starting the process started to take some of the edge off the resentment.  But, there was part of him that wanted to hang onto the resentment, especially when the boss did something new to be angry with.  So, he kept saying it for a month and although the resentment didn't totally disappear, it was dramatically reduced.  When the boss did something new that he would have ruined his day, he would simply say this prayer and move on.  The big payoff here is when he gets home now; he is present and enjoys his family.  He is free from his boss.

So, make a mental or physical list of the resentments you are carrying right now.  Choose the biggest resentment and start the exercise.  See if it changes your feeling toward the person in two weeks and changes your life.

To prevent acquiring new resentments, the next time you feel anger or resentment, bring your awareness to the situation and see why you are angry or resentful.  It is OK to feel it, but then try to let it go.  See why part of you wants to hold on to it.  Talk to a friend who is also trying to grow spiritually.  Keep each other accountable and lift each other up.  Another teacher I worked with for many years was my “spiritual growth friend.”  We would meet weekly and review our spiritual condition, seeing where we were successful and where we needed to keep working.  We both grew tremendously through this effort.

Share any success stories with me or any questions.  You can find my email in my profile, but I will also put it here: griffitho@hotmail.com

Here is a quote to end the blog:

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life. - Joan Lunden

A Summer Spiritual Tune-Up - 12 Tips for a for a Happy and Meaningful Life

Well, we are midway through summer and here is your chance for a spiritual tune-up.  Personally, I try to spend a little time every day to incorporate some spiritual tools in my life to stay spiritually fit.  Some days it works better than others.   But, when I am in a good place spiritually, everything else in my life feels right.

A few years ago, a friend gave me a copy of something called 9 Timeless Secrets of Being Happy.  I enjoyed it and shared it with my students.  But after I went over it with my class, I realized that I should update it to include more spiritual tools.  So, I expanded it, edited it and rewrote it to be more encompassing, not just addressing happiness, but also encouraging us to develop serenity and a meaningful life.

Take a little time to go over the following tips.  I give this list to my students at the beginning of each year. They highlight 3 things to work on throughout the year.  Then, they post it on their agendas or in their lockers at school and on their refrigerators or mirrors at home where they see it daily.  This way, it is a gentle reminder to keep working to stay spiritually fit.

So, here are a dozen simple spiritual tools.  Like my students, please choose a few to focus on, print them out or put them on your computer or iPhone and work on them until they become a habit. Celebrate the little victories and the baby steps as you practice and enjoy the growth they bring to your life.  Real change is challenging and a slow process, so be patient with yourself.  Remember, a baby tries an estimated 2,000 times before it takes its first step.

1. Be a Giver/Help Others

In big and small ways, help others as much as possible.  Feel the profound joy of giving freely with no expectations.  It all comes back to you in countless ways.  People who volunteer or care for others consistently are happier and less depressed.

Altruistic giving has been shown to increase positive neurotransmitters in the giver, receiver and anyone observing the act of giving.  So, give to someone close to you and also practice those random acts of kindness.  A simple suggestion is to tell someone you love how much you love them and why you treasure them in your life.  Do someone a good turn today and don’t get found out. 

2. Savor the Moment/ Be in the Moment

All I have is this moment, but much of the time I waste by ruminating over the past or stressing over the future.  To live deeply in this moment and breath in the miracle of all that is available now is truly living.  But, I must be present and be here now. Cultivate mindfulness by giving attention to whatever you are doing.  When you feel your mind wandering, take a deep breath and gently bring it back to the moment.  If you are washing the dishes, be present washing the dishes and enjoy the warm water and the slick feel of soap.  More importantly, be present to those around you by really listening. 

3. Embrace Silence

Take time to sit quietly every day without electronic distractions in order to get a better perspective on life.  Even just a few moments of pure silence can refresh a stressed soul.  Personally, when I stopped the chatter of having the radio on constantly in the car and the TV on constantly at home, I was able to feel a deeper peace and enjoy life much more fully.   Try to set a timer for 1 minute, read something inspirational, a prayer or a poem, and then sit comfortably in silence for that 1 minute.  If you can do this daily for a week, increase the time to 2 minutes and so on, up to 10 minutes.  In the race to get through each day, slow down and notice the deep peace in silence.

4. Try New Experiences/ Don’t Be Afraid to Make Mistakes

Don’t let yourself get caught in a rut.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is how deep it is.  Stay out of survival mode.  Be spontaneous, adventurous and play every day.  My 5 year old gives me lessons in this daily.  Get out of your comfort zone and remember you always have a safety net.  Don’t listen to the lie that you don’t have enough time or energy.  New experiences create energy and allow us to find more time for everything.  In addition, I have found that perfectionism paralyzed me.  But, a wise boss once told me, “I know you are not trying new things because you aren't making any mistakes.”  Fearlessly try new things and learn from those mistakes. 

5. Forgive/ Let Go of the Past

Harboring resentment only hurts you.  I like the saying that resentments are like stray cats, if you don’t feed them, they go away.  Another great saying is that keeping resentments is like when I drink poison thinking it will kill you.  Don’t let others rent free space in your head.  Forgive and let go.  If you let go a little, you get a little relief.  If you let go a lot, you get a lot of relief, and if you let go completely, you are FREE.

6. Be Responsible for Yourself

Don’t blame others for things lacking in your life.  Don’t give them that power.  Take responsibility and take action.  We are not victims, we are volunteers.  I tell my students we control 3 things and they all start with the letter A: attitude, action and awareness.  Blaming others and harboring self-pity steals our energy and joy.  Be the change you want to see in the world.  This works in and outside the classroom.

7. Build Relationships

People who have one or more close relationships lead happier lives, according to a study by Dr. Martin Seligman.  Seligman goes on to say that it doesn't matter how many relationships you have, one is enough.  The important aspect of any relationship is that you are supportive, you cooperate and you share personal feelings.  These relationships can be with a friend or family member.  If you have even one person who cares about you, you are truly blessed.  If you don’t have anyone, build a new relationship by really listening to someone and being helpful to them. 

8.  Be Grateful

Cultivate an awareness of all the gifts given to us constantly.  If you are reading this, you are fortunate to have a computer, a connection to the internet and the ability to read.  Realize that a vast majority of the population of the planet would change places with you in an instant.  Start a gratitude list to increase your awareness of the gifts surrounding you.  You are what you focus on.  So, if you focus on what is missing, your life becomes empty.  Focus on all you have on the inside and outside and watch it all grow.  Take more action; write a gratitude letter to someone who has helped you.  Deliver it in person and let that person know how much they mean to you.

9. Work Through Fear

Fear holds us back from truly living our lives.  You can generally unmask your fear by asking two questions: 1. Are you afraid you are going to lose something you have?  2.  Are you afraid you won’t get something you want?  Once you are aware of the fear, then focus on some action you can take to help.  For example, if you are afraid you won’t have enough money, do some research or reach out to others for ideas about saving money or generating some income.  It is OK to feel the fear, but don’t allow it to paralyze you.  Walk through the fear and feel it dissipate.  Also, if you share a fear with someone you trust, it feels like you cut it in half. There is power in just getting it out of your head and letting it go.  Writing about it by keeping a journal can also help us keep perspective on fear.  Here are some acronyms that help us understand fear:

FEAR = Failure Expected And Received, False Evidence Appearing Real, False Expectations Appearing Real, Forget Everything And Run (Polite Version), Face Everything And Recover, Frantic Effort to Appear Real, and my favorites-Forgetting Everything’s All Right, and Fear Expressed Allows Relief.

10. Be Aware of Your Internal Dialogue

Listen to what you are saying to yourself.  So many of us have tape recordings going on in our heads we are not even aware of, like “You will never find someone to love you” or “You are not pretty enough” or “You can’t make anything work in your life.”  First, be aware of these negative messages, and then start to say the opposite to yourself, like “I am a beautiful child of God” or “ I will keep working on myself and love will become abundant in my life,” or “I will make a difference in someone else’s life today and improve myself.”  Start writing your own script for your future.

11. Quit Taking It Personally (acronym - Q-TIP)

Don’t let anything people steal your serenity.  Most things aren't personal and even when comments are made that are designed to hurt you, try to not take it personally.  If that person is really trying to hurt you, don’t allow them to succeed.  It is OK to create healthy boundaries, but don’t waste extra time and energy by trying to extract an apology or get revenge.  Remind yourself you don’t need anyone’s approval.  Learn to laugh at yourself and let it go.  Try to keep your ego small enough that no comments can hit the target.  If you can become more immune to what others say, then you will not be the victim of unnecessary suffering. 

                                              

12. Choose Kindness-Always

Be kind to yourself and others in all circumstances.  One of the hardest things to do in this world is to be kind when someone else is not kind to you.  Today, look for a situation in your life when you are presented with negativity and choose to give kindness.  It may be in your family, at work or even driving.  Don’t be afraid to look into the other person’s eyes, smile and respond in kindness.  Feel the true strength in authentic kindness.  See how this makes you feel and the power it has to transform a situation and improve your spiritual condition.

Here is a link to 9 Timeless Secrets of Being Happy by Brian Vaszily that inspired this blog post.  Check it out if you have time and don’t miss the beautiful PowerPoint that presents the ideas a little differently.

http://www.intenseexperiences.com/being-happy.html

Here are a couple quotes to end the blog:

Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future.

– Audrey Hepburn

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

-Helen Keller

Serenity Prayer

Today, I want to write about the Serenity Prayer, a prayer that has helped me in life and in the classroom.  The Serenity Prayer takes spiritual principles, like serenity, acceptance, courage and wisdom, and gives us the tools to apply them to our daily lives.  These are practical tool that anyone can use, regardless of faith or lack of faith.  Interestingly, it is not connected with any religion.  In fact, I checked and it is most commonly connected to Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 Step Program.  It was written by Reinhold Niebuhr in the early 1900s.  When I was in my first years of teaching, I had a principal that started one of our first faculty meetings of the year with the Serenity Prayer.  She showed it on the smart board and read through it.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.” - Reinhold Niebuhr

After my principal introduced the prayer, she said, “This school year is going to get very stressful, so I hope you have a strong spiritual life.”  I really took that to heart.  This is a simple and short prayer, but is extremely powerful.  I did a little more research and found a longer version of the prayer that is at the bottom of this blog.   Back to the short version, in these three lines, spiritual principles are introduced.  With a little effort, we may apply them to a wide range of situations in our lives and find the spiritual solution to a variety of problems.  Here is a prayer that is practical, that will help us build a strong spiritual life by helping us ascertain what we need to accept, what we need to have the courage to change and finding the wisdom to know the difference.

When I found myself in challenging situations, I started to ask, “What can I change in this situation and what do I need to accept?”  That night, some friends and I went to a movie.  By the time we got there, the only seats left were the first three rows.  We sat down and I felt uncomfortable as I strained my neck to see the screen.  I was miserable until the friend next to me said, “Accept the things you can’t change.”  Quickly, I felt relieved.  I quit wishing to be sitting in a different seat.  Furthermore, I accepted that for this movie, although I did not have the seat I wanted, I would still enjoy it.  This was just a little victory, but it got the ball rolling. 

Usually, I find the application of the Serenity Prayer when I am dealing with other people in stressful situations.  Here is what I come back to every time, “I can’t change anyone else, but I can change my attitude, actions, and awareness.”  When I stop trying to change others, I free up energy to change myself and enjoy life. 

I have a friend who said that using the Serenity Prayer for his marriage improved his marriage, but his wife stayed exactly the same. This sounded funny at first, but then I got it and really appreciated this concept. Your marriage can get better, but your spouse doesn't have to change, you can change.  My friend went on to say that using this prayer enabled him to identify that he did not control his wife.  All that time and energy he spent trying to change her or waiting for her to change to make him happy was wasted.  He said he actually felt new “space” open in their relationship as he accepted her with all her wonderful qualities and imperfections.  This allowed them to connect in new ways and develop a deeper relationship with intimacy.  He said their relationship is far from perfect, but it feels like they are growing in a positive direction and that is all they need. 

In addition, my friend took my idea of the gratitude list and applied it to his marriage.   Every day, before he got out of bed, he would think of three things he loved about his wife.  What we focus on in life grows and what we focus on in others grows.  By focusing on the good in her, he watched these positive qualities grow.  He used the idea of gratitude and focusing on the good in others to elevate his relationship.  Recently, I saw a definition of love that said “Love is looking for the good in others.”  I like that.

I have another friend who is a waiter.  He used to get really frustrated with rude customers and customers who would not tip.  Then, one night, after we talked about the Serenity Prayer, he was getting really mad at one table where a rude customer was ruining his night until he remembered the prayer and asked the question, “What do I need to accept here that I can’t change and what do I need the courage to change?”  He realized that he could not change those customers, but he could change his attitude.  He took a deep breath, relaxed and didn't let that customer bother him anymore.  He actually went on to have a really good night.

After feeling the powerful effects this prayer had on my life and the many stressful situations with students and parents, I asked the principal if I could teach this prayer to my students.  She said she thought that was a great idea.  So, we memorized it and said it daily.  Then, we started sharing about the application of this prayer to our daily lives.  In my class, we know gratitude will make us happier, but how do we apply it, we make a gratitude list.  So, how can we apply the Serenity Prayer?  Well, on this day, it was raining and that directly affects us all.  When it rains the students need to stay inside for indoor recess.  Nobody likes staying inside, but one student said, “I have no control over the weather, but I can find something fun to do at indoor recess.”  I thought that was a great example of applying this prayer to our lives.  I should note that I work at a private school that makes doing this easier.

Now, as a teacher and parent, I do need to give love and boundaries and keep high standards for behavior.  I also think it is important that my son and students experience the consequences of their actions so they can learn to change their behavior and grow.  But, I also need to accept people as they are and keep applying these principles to keep from building up resentments.  Also, I know there are situations that we do not need to accept.  If someone is in a toxic or violent relationship, then action should be taken to get out of that situation.

So, take the spiritual challenge today and make the farthest journey of all, from your head to your heart, by applying the Serenity Prayer today.  Print out the short or long version of the Serenity Prayer.  Put it somewhere you will see it often, on the refrigerator or by your computer screen.  Make it a screen saver or put it on your iPhone because it is easy to forget in our busy lives.  Find a situation where you can ask yourself, “What do I need to accept here that I can’t control and what do I need the courage to change?”  Answer this question, take the appropriate action and feel the serenity that will flow into your life.  Here is the full prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking this world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that He will make all things right,

If I surrender my will to Him

That I may be reasonable happy in this life

And supremely happy in the next.”- Reinhold Niebuhr

Why Do People Complain So Much?

This is an interesting question, “Why do people complain so much?”  The more direct question is, “Why do I still complain sometimes?”  Well, honestly, sometimes it just feels good to complain and blame someone or something else when things are not going my way.  It is easier to pick something apart than to find the true goodness in it.  Negativity and complaining are reinforced by the media and watching the evening news.  In addition, for every behavior, there is a payoff.  Sometimes, we are not aware of the payoff and it may not be a positive payoff.  For example, some people complain because they want others to commiserate with them.

In past lives, I have worked in many different environments and I have found that some people take time to complain to each other every day.  For a while, I was one of these people, until I developed the awareness and realized how complaining made me feel.  Complaining intensifies all my negative feelings and gives a deceptive immediate payoff that turns into a negative long term payoff.  At first, I feel relieved when I complain because I can blame someone or something else for any lack or excess in my life.  But in the end, I turn into a victim, powerless and depressed.  We are not victims, we are volunteers.  When I remind myself that I control my attitude and no matter what is happening on the outside, I can change the world by changing my attitude, then I am immediately put back in the driver seat.

When I used to observe others complaining, it almost gets humorous, as they attempted to outdo each other with their complaints.  But, they probably do not even notice what they are doing or the damage it is doing.  This pernicious habit gets embedded into their world view and it becomes extremely difficult to enjoy even the simplest pleasure in life when you have a negative viewpoint, fueled by incessant complaints. 

One powerful rule in my classroom is that no one (including me) is allowed to complain.  If you do, you will be asked to say 3 positive things about whoever or whatever it is you are complaining about.  This habit comes from practical experience.  Many moons ago, I was on a long drive with my little sister.  I was getting tired and talking about someone, complaining about this person.  My sister said, “You know, when someone says something negative about another person, I make them say 3 positive things about that person.”  That blew me away.  I did not even notice that I was saying something negative about this other person.  I laughed it off, but she said, “Come on, I am waiting for the 3 positive things.”  It took a while, but I came up with 3 positive attributes for this person.  I felt surprisingly cleansed and I thanked my sister.  I adopted this rule and still try to live by it. 

In my first year of teaching at a different school, I found myself complaining to the principal about a student.  The principal said, “That is a good student who just made a bad choice.”  That changed my attitude about that student and stopped my complaining.  I remind myself of that saying all the time and share it with other teachers.  Furthermore, I even apply this to people in general, saying, “That is a good person who just made a bad choice.”  It sure makes it easier to forgive and keep an open door to restoring relationships.  This also helps quell the cynic in me who likes to come out when I am tired. 

For many of us, complaining is more subtle than that; we find ourselves complaining a little, just enough to steal some of our joy.  In my classroom, we conduct an experiment at the beginning of every school year.  This experiment involves living with a specific question for one day, “Can I go all day without complaining?”  I have the students carry around a 3 by 5 inch card and write down any instance when they complain or even feel like complaining.  For some students, this develops an awareness that will help them for their entire lives as they cultivate the ability to choose a positive attitude in any situation.  I have students share their complaints, some are humorous and some are more mundane. 

For example, one student said he complained every night and never thought about saying, “I hate doing my homework!”  He turned that into a gratitude saying, “I am grateful I get to learn by doing my homework and it will help me get a good job someday.”  Another student wrote down that they do not like setting the table every night for dinner.  When we flipped that to a gratitude, this student starting saying, “Thank you that I have a family that loves me and I have enough food to eat.”  The students write these gratitude on the cards and pull them out if they find the complaints coming back.  It does work when the students try this and keep the effort up.  One student said, “I never noticed how much my Mom complains until I did this exercise and now I tell her all the time to stop complaining.”  When I spoke to the Mom, she said that my exercise really made her mad at first, but then she saw how much it really helped improve the dynamics of her family.  In my classroom, by coupling this exercise with starting our gratitude journals, we establish an unshakable foundation for a positive classroom for the year. 

So, if you are up for a challenge, carry a card around with you and see if you can go 24 hours without complaining.  If you do complain, don’t beat yourself up, but congratulate yourself on building up a new awareness.  Being aware of a bad habit is the first step to changing it.  If possible, turn the complaint into a gratitude.  This exercise may help build a new awareness in your life and help you to stop being a victim, bringing more joy into your life. If you can string together a few days together without complaining, you will notice some other positive things going on, like your relationships improving and feeling more energy to put into your work or your play.  It is truly astonishing to think how much time and energy we can waste with complaining.  If you can go 21 days without complaining (this is difficult, so just keep trying), you have established a new a powerful habit that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

Here is a quote to finish this blog:

“Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude. Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.”- Henri Frederic Amiel