Forgiveness-The Other F-Word

In my last blog, I gave 12 Tips for Happiness.  One of the tips about forgiveness has stuck with me, so I wanted to drill a little deeper into forgiveness with this blog.  By the way, I love writing this blog.  The last two and a half months of writing has been a prolific and productive time for my writing and exploring spirituality and teaching.  This has allowed me to really articulate some spiritual ideas and teaching practices in a new way, yielding new understanding for me. Thank you for all the positive feedback.

“Life is an exercise in forgiveness.”  I agree with this and I do get better at forgiving as I grow, most of the time.  However, when I don’t forgive, I do feel anger and resentment cropping up that steals my serenity and happiness.  When I am harboring a resentment, my friend poses this question, “Will you forgive this person in 5 or 10 years?”  When I think about it, I always say, “Yes, I think I can.”  My friend will then say something like, “Then why don’t you do it now and save all that time.”  Well, I need to explore why I don’t forgive, how to forgive and the immense benefits and freedom when I do practice this spiritual principle.  Utilizing the spiritual tool of forgiveness is something we all can learn, but it is a process and may take time and practice. 

Here are a few quotes from the last blog that I want to interject again, “Holding on to resentments is like letting other people rent free space in your head.”

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

“Resentments are like stray cats, if you don’t feed them, they go away.”  I told my wife that and she said, “But I like stray cats.”  My wife’s comment made me think of that statement in a different light.  My wife is good at that.  She made me realize that sometimes I like my resentments.  Like a stray cat, I feed them and pet them and love them, but I get nothing back but a monster cat that is eating me from the inside. 

Reasons for not forgiving:
We don’t forgive mainly because of the 3 Ps: Power, Protection and Punishment.  Here are the illusions that go along with the 3 P's:  

I have some power over you if I do not forgive you. I am protecting myself by not forgiving you.  I am punishing you by not forgiving you. If I forgive, then you will hurt me again.  I can’t let them get away with this. They will just do it to someone else.  Holding onto my resentment will change them. (It is OK to put up healthy boundaries and let someone know there behavior is unacceptable, and then it is up to them to change.   I can still be free.  My favorite 4 spiritual words come into play here, "Bless them, change me.")

In addition, it is hard to forgive when I feel they don't deserve forgiveness. Some people feel like they can't just pretend it didn't happen or that forgiveness may feel like a sign of weakness. Last reason for not forgiving: how can I forgive when revenge sounds better?

Now I need to ask, “Why do I hold onto resentments and even feed them?”  Well, I nurse resentments because it makes me feel a little superior.  It fuels my pride and distracts me from all the “my stuff” that I should really be dealing with. 

Next, “What is the payoff?”  For every behavior, there is some kind of payoff, negative or positive.  Well, the payoff here is that when I focus on some resentment, it is easy to say that my life would be OK if that person just hadn't done that to me yesterday or 20 years ago.  I don’t have to take responsibility for my life.

Like so many other areas of spirituality, we can’t do anything until we bring the light of awareness to the situation.  One awareness question is, “If I think about a person and the resentment more than 2 times a day, it is a resentment.”  If so, I need to work on it.

Here is another question to spark awareness, “If you had fifteen minutes to live, who would you call?”  Check if that call is to straighten out a resentment.  If so, again, you have some work to do.  The good news is an exercise follows that will allow you to start the process of healing today, right now.

When we do not forgive:
The person who suffers is the one that does not forgive.  Resentment turns us all into victims. Furthermore, resentment produces the “fight or flight” response in the body and produces destructive stress hormones.  Research has confirmed that angry and resentful people do not live as long and their shorter lives are not surprisingly unhappier.

At this point, I would like to point out some things that forgiveness does not mean.  Forgiveness does not mean that what the person did is acceptable.  Nor does not it mean we should ignore our feelings. It does not mean we need to “reconcile” with the person, although that is sometimes part of it.  Finally, forgiveness does not require the other person to still be alive.  We can forgive someone who has passed away.

Reasons for Forgiving:

We forgive not because they deserve it, but because we want to be free.  If we forgive, we are free from the negative consequences physically, emotionally and spiritually.  We are free to live, laugh and love fully again.

How to forgive?

A friend gave me this forgiveness exercise from The Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book.  This was written by a woman who had a resentment against her mother for over 25 years.  She found this exercise in a magazine and tried it.  She was finally free.

I have also tried it and it has always worked for me.  I have given this to friends and everyone who does it consistently has success with getting some or complete freedom from their anger and resentments.  Now, this does involve “prayer” but does not require any particular religious belief.  I have had non-religious friends who tried this and it works.

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love.
      

It worked for me then, and it has worked for me many times since, and it will work for me every time I am willing to work it. Sometimes I have to ask first for the willingness, but it too always comes. And because it works for me, it will work for all of us. As another great man says, ‘The only real freedom a human being can ever know is doing what you ought to do because you want to do it.’"

This does work if you are willing to try it, even when part of you wants to hold onto the anger and resentment so badly.  If you are skeptical, do it as an experiment and see if it works. 

A good friend of mine has a boss who is not easy to work for.  He told me that he knew he had to do something when his anger and resentment started getting in the way of enjoying his family at home.  I gave him this resentment exercise and he said that simply starting the process started to take some of the edge off the resentment.  But, there was part of him that wanted to hang onto the resentment, especially when the boss did something new to be angry with.  So, he kept saying it for a month and although the resentment didn't totally disappear, it was dramatically reduced.  When the boss did something new that he would have ruined his day, he would simply say this prayer and move on.  The big payoff here is when he gets home now; he is present and enjoys his family.  He is free from his boss.

So, make a mental or physical list of the resentments you are carrying right now.  Choose the biggest resentment and start the exercise.  See if it changes your feeling toward the person in two weeks and changes your life.

To prevent acquiring new resentments, the next time you feel anger or resentment, bring your awareness to the situation and see why you are angry or resentful.  It is OK to feel it, but then try to let it go.  See why part of you wants to hold on to it.  Talk to a friend who is also trying to grow spiritually.  Keep each other accountable and lift each other up.  Another teacher I worked with for many years was my “spiritual growth friend.”  We would meet weekly and review our spiritual condition, seeing where we were successful and where we needed to keep working.  We both grew tremendously through this effort.

Share any success stories with me or any questions.  You can find my email in my profile, but I will also put it here: griffitho@hotmail.com

Here is a quote to end the blog:

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life. - Joan Lunden