New blog from The Center for Courage and Renewal

Parker Palmer is a tremendous influence on my life and teaching. The Center for Courage and Renewal, which he started, just posted my blog about my early career in education and how Palmer's book, The Courage to Teach, helped me get through a rough start in the classroom with some gratitude.

Check out the entire blog at:

http://www.couragerenewal.org/blog/

Special Guest Blog by Robert Ward

Nine Young Adult Novels that Teach Gratitude, Grit, and a Growth Mindset to Kids

Have you ever noticed that the main characters in a great deal of young adult literature are orphans? It has to be more than a coincidence that the inspiring protagonists of some of the most beloved books from the young adult canon either are parentless or are suddenly isolated from the love and support of family and friends.

I am sure you can add to this list of characters who face extraordinary obstacles virtually on their own:

1. Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders: recently orphaned and confronted with the death of two close friends
2. Harry Potter from the Harry Potter series: orphaned and temporarily trapped in a horrible home where he is unwanted and unappreciated

3. Stanley Yelants from Holes: sentenced to hard labor at Camp Green Lake for a crime he did not commit and because of a family curse that may turn out to be a blessing
4. Jeffrey Magee from Maniac Magee: orphaned (twice) and perpetually running… from himself

5. Karana from Island of the Blue Dolphins: orphaned while witnessing the massacre of her father and her people and abandoned on a deserted island for eighteen years
6. Brian from the Hatchet series: a child of divorce who is forced to brave the harsh wilderness alone

7. James from James and the Giant Peach: an orphan living with his two vile aunts until he embarks on an incredible adventure
8. Meg from A Wrinkle in Time: a young girl swept into a strange, scary new dimension and on a desperate quest to save her father and brother

9. The Baudelaire siblings from the Series of Unfortunate Events books: three oppressed orphans endure alliterative adventures against the evil Olaf

Despite their tumultuous journeys, these characters manage to persevere and to eventually triumph, armed finally with the insight that what they needed most was within them all along. This profound and lasting sense of gratitude provides these young heroes with the strength they need to not only survive but to thrive; and it is this inner fortitude and grace that assures the reader that these characters will be just fine long after The End.
Of course, the crucial lesson the authors of these magnificent books want to convey is universal and elemental: If these children who ostensibly have no one and nothing can summon the courage and determination to slay dragons—dragons that are real and imagined, internal and external—then so can you and I, especially those of us fortunate enough to be in far more comfortable and comforting situations.

In The Outsiders, S.E. Hinton beautifully sums up the meaning of gratitude and of appreciating what you have, even if you currently have very little, with two words: stay gold. This is my go-to phrase when I am issuing friendly caution to a student who is beginning to stray, as well as when I want to celebrate a student who has been especially sensitive, sympathetic, or supportive. My students know exactly what I mean by these two powerful words because together we have explored and discussed a wealth of amazing novels that we can compare and contrast, as well as learn from and love.
Thankfully, parents and teachers are starting to fully embrace the necessity and benefits of social, emotional, even soulful learning, in addition to academic learning. I learned long ago that preaching to my students yields limited results. It is far more fruitful and fun to allow my students to discover for themselves the wisdom of gratitude, grit, and a growth mindset through great stories. These universal themes of thankfulness, perseverance, and self-assurance sustain us through the hard times and spur us to strive for the things that really matter in life, so much of which is meaningful rather than material.

Robert Ward has been teaching English at public middle schools in Los Angeles for twenty-three years. He is also the recent author of two books for teachers, The Firm, Fair, Fascinating Facilitator and The Teacher Tune-Up, published by Rowman and Littlefield. His newest book, A Teacher’s Inside Advice to Parents: How Children Thrive with Leadership, Love, Laughter, and Learning, will be available this fall. Robert can be contacted via his website: http://www.rewardingeducation.com/

What Good is Gratitude?

All-Pro Dads Makes Superheroes Out of Us All

Recently, I had the pleasure of helping create a change at my son’s school by starting a dad’s group. I am a parent at this school and do not have an official role, but I saw an opportunity to positively impact students and families, so I took some action and established a new group. This has already had a tremendous impact.

My son’s school is a Title 1 school that faces many challenges, but it is a successful school with a strong administration. When they ask for volunteers, they usually get moms to help. I also noticed that some students did not have a positive male role model in their lives.

Reflecting on this, I saw that we could start a group for dads, male relatives, or male family friends that could meet and work on improving their relationships with their students. I brought the idea to the principal who was immediately excited. We joined a national organization called All Pro Dads that gives monthly curriculum and on-line support for the meetings. 

Just last week, we had the first meeting and it was a huge success. Attendance was so strong; we had to bring in extra chairs. I led the meeting, with the topic of “When we mess up, how do we handle it?” As we started the discussions and I observed dads really connecting with their children, I saw a new culture developing in front of my eyes. 

For our first activity, we had all the dads introduce their sons and say why they are proud of them. This was a fantastic ice-breaker. When I introduced my son, I said that my son is a good kid, kind, smart, always tried hard, and he is teaching me about super-heroes. Another dad shared that this program can make super-heroes of everyone who participates. I like that.

The next activity had all the dads stand up. I explained that I would ask a question and if the answer was yes, they would sit down. The first question was, "Who has ever burned something in the oven?" Every dad sat down. Then, I asked, "Who has ever got a speeding ticket?" Most dads sat down for that one. It got a little more serious as I asked, "Who ever failed a test?" I sat down with a majority of the dads for that question. The final question was, "Who has ever lied?" I was impressed with the honesty as all the dads sat down, admitting to the group and the students that they had all made mistakes. I watched the students look on with amazement as they recognized that their dads had made mistakes, sometimes serious ones, and had survived. 

Students were asked to share about a time when they made a mistake or felt like a failure. The dads all reminded their sons that they loved them no matter what happened and that they were proud of them. We also reminded our children that when you do make a mistake, always be honest and try to learn from the experience. 

At the end of the meeting, we challenged dads to make a “bucket-list” of everything they wanted to do with their children before they graduate high school. Then the dads were encouraged to actually complete one of these activities by our next monthly meeting in May.

After the meeting, one dad came up and asked about getting more tips on communicating with his son. I gave him the All Pro Dad's website that is listed below. Another dad, who son is physically challenged, told me that he and his son felt welcome at our group and that this was a powerful tool in helping them feel a part of the community at the school. This is an example of some of the cultural changes we can make in the world with a little effort. After the meeting, I felt invigorated, being part of this new cultural change at my son’s school is exciting.

I can’t wait for our next meeting in May. A few of the dads are already committed to helping out with our next meeting. Hopefully, this will expand and we will see the difference in the students and the families who participate. It has definitely helped me.

Here is the All-Pro Dads website: www.allprodad.com

Huffington Post - Gratitude: A Way of Teaching

I am so grateful-my book came out last week and Huffington Post published an excerpt. Use the following link to read the excerpt or read it below.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/owen-griffith/post_11421_b_9575310.html

An Excerpt From: Gratitude: A Way of Teaching
A Book By: Owen M. Griffith

Making a Change with Gratitude

Remarkably, the average adult has over 60,000 separate thoughts on a daily basis, according to the National Science Foundation. More interesting, these may be the same thoughts as yesterday and tomorrow. Thus, many of us trudge through life thinking similar thoughts every day. Now, if we are satisfied with our lives, this is acceptable. However, if you want to change our lives and your classrooms, we need to make room for some change. Gratitude can help change some of those thoughts and lead to changing our lives, and in turn, the lives of your students.

How to Transform our Classrooms with Conscious Gratitude

Before introducing the practice of gratitude to our students, we should try creating our own gratitude lists or another gratitude activity to experience the process ourselves. Then, we will be able to model it more easily, persuasively and powerfully. We can also share how practicing gratitude changed our feelings and behavior.

As teachers and as parents, we know that we can teach, most effectively, behavior that we practice. As the saying goes, “Your actions speak so loud, I can’t hear what you’re saying.” As we grow stronger with an attitude of gratitude and display it in our lives, it will be easier to share this virtue with our students and colleagues.

Interestingly, gratitude seems to work like a muscle and the physical action of writing a gratitude list helps develop “gratitude muscles.” As stated in the last chapter, for those of us who are comfortable with technology, we may find that keeping a gratitude journal on your iPhone or our computers can be equally powerful and easier to keep current.

Practicing conscious gratitude gives us an opportunity to choose our attitude every day. The gratitude practice is more likely to take off in our classrooms as we became passionate about it. Subsequently, many students may become passionate about gratitude, reminding each other to choose their attitudes and truly make every day a great day. Before long, we may find that parents also notice the changes in their children and adopt gratitude into their lives, spreading the positive message.

The Research and Rewards of Gratitude

After a couple of weeks of implementing gratitude, we may then introduce the body of gratitude research to the students and their parents. This research supports the effectiveness of gratitude in the classroom. The scientific studies demonstrate the power of gratitude to help students and adults in numerous areas. This is extremely exciting as we watch this field of study grow and develop. We can all find hope here.

Recent compelling research by two leaders in the field of gratitude and education,Dr. Robert Emmons from the University of California at Davis and Dr. Jeffrey Frohfrom Hofstra University, strongly supports the idea that gratitude helps students and adults.

The research illustrates how keeping a gratitude journal on a daily basis helps students achieve the following:

• Higher grades and higher goals
• More satisfaction with relationships, life, and school
• Less materialism
• More helpful, generous and compassionate behavior
• More resilience when stressed
• More joy and pleasure
• Feel less lonely and isolated.

For adults, keeping a gratitude journal enables people to:

• Be more optimistic and happy
• Experience more social satisfaction and be more outgoing
• Exercise more often
• Cultivate a stronger immune system
• Feel more forgiving
• Experience more joy and pleasure
• Have less envy and depression
• Have fewer physical complaints and sleep better.

The Gratitude Conference

In August 2015, I attended a “Transforming our Classrooms with Gratitude Conference” at the Greater Good Center for Science at U. C. Berkeley. This conference was truly astonishing in the way it showed the power and actual practicality of utilizing gratitude in the classroom. Twenty-five experts in Social-Emotional Learning (S. E. L.), along with twenty-five teachers explored the latest curriculum that is being tested throughout the country through the Youth Gratitude Project, generously funded by the John Templeton Foundation.

During the conference, we saw the latest gratitude research, presented by Dr. Giacomo Bono, a leader of this project. I was able to give a brief presentation about my experience with gratitude in the classroom and then participate in focus groups, as we worked to create new gratitude activities that could seamlessly work in our classrooms. The ones that seemed most easily applicable were the activities that aligned with current classroom exercises, like making writing a gratitude letter part of an English lesson or studying a historical figures use of gratitude in achieving their goals and helping humanity.

The use of gratitude in the classroom is expanding rapidly and the resources we will be able to share and utilize effectively will grow quickly. This is encouraging news to all of us who are trying to refine and improve our implementation of gratitude in our lives and in the field of education. Most importantly, as we are helping our students practice gratitude, we are reshaping the world.

Teaching with Heart, Fire and Poetry

My new blog was published on the Teaching with Heart, Fire and Poetry website. Here is the link:

http://teachingheartfirepoetry.com/blog/

The blog is also listed below:

Teacher Reflection: Fostering Gratitude in the Classroom : A Miracle in the Classroom

As one veteran teacher told me, “Getting through the school year is like running a marathon where they expect you to sprint the whole 26.2 miles.”

I knew I would need strength and balance to get through the roller coaster ride of the school year. I knew I had to take care of myself physically, but just as important, I knew I needed to have a strong spiritual foundation to handle the stress. Fortunately, a colleague gave me a copy of Parker Palmer’s book, The Courage to Teach, to help me stay energized spiritually and keep growing personally through all the challenges of teaching.

Early on, I was paired with another teacher who had eleven years of experience and was a master teacher. As we planned for the year, she noted that I had a very positive attitude and asked how I cultivated such a sunny disposition. I told her that I worked at it by keeping a gratitude journal. Intrigued and a bit skeptical, she said she wanted to give it a try.

After a few weeks, she commented on how much it helped her. One day as we were planning for the first day of school, I had the inspiration of giving the students a gratitude journal on the first day of class. This practice immediately helped the students. I know it helped me. I could see how it fostered a positive and optimistic culture that only seemed to improve as the year went on.

Still I struggled as a first-year teacher. I was overwhelmed, trying to get everything done each day without slipping into survival mode. Those lofty goals I had when I entered the classroom seemed to dissipate. I didn’t think I was reaching any students and wondered if I had what it took to be a teacher. In this dark time, an unlikely student helped to turn things around for me.

Robert was a tough 7th grader who didn’t seem to care about school or anything else. He was failing every subject and by his own admission was on the brink of joining a gang. When I would pass out the science assignment for the day, he would say, “Mr. G., science doesn’t mean anything in my life.” Then, he would ceremoniously crumple up the assignment and throw it in the trash saying, “I’ll take an ‘F’ for the day.” This bothered me tremendously. I tried different things to reach him, but nothing seemed to get through.

Then one day after Winter Break, I handed out a new assignment about the scientific method. Surprisingly, Robert looked intently at the page and said, “Will you help me with this Mr. G?” I was surprised, but quickly recovered and went to his desk and guided him through the scientific method. On the way home that night, I found myself smiling and wondering what had happened to Robert. The next thing that ran through my mind was, “Will this last?”

The next day, we delved further into the scientific method, and Robert asked more questions. He even started helping some of his fellow students who used to follow his lead throwing away their papers right after his.

Robert’s turn around came at my darkest hour in the classroom. I don’t know if I would have kept going if it hadn’t been for this minor miracle.  Astonished and encouraged by this student’s turn around, I asked my mentor if she had a student like this every year and she said that she had not had any students like this in all her years of teaching.

When I asked Robert what had happened, he said, “You never gave up on me Mr. G.”

I was reminded of a saying from a pedagogy professor who would gently remind us, “All it takes to change a student’s life is the appropriate adult at the appropriate time.”  I was fortunate to have been that appropriate adult, open to this student who needed someone there for him.  It was fortunate for him, and fortunate for me.

That was over ten years ago, and as those original students now enter college, many have told me that they still keep their gratitude logs, often uploading them onto their computers or iPhone. As I reflect back on it all, I see that so much of my success as an educator goes back to that book I still treasure and pass on to others, The Courage to Teach, and to a practice of gratitude begun all those many years ago.

Below is a guide on using this practice in your classroom.

Classroom Gratitude Activity

It is ideal to begin your own personal gratitude journal and then help your students with their own, listing up to five gratitudes every day. Research has shown that it may be more important to delve deeper into each individual gratitude, rather than focusing on the number of gratitudes per day. If necessary, ask the students to record fewer gratitudes and instead explore the second part of the gratitude, using “because” in the prompt. This template is an example:

1. Thank you for ________________________________________________________

because_______________________________________________________________

2. Thank you for ________________________________________________________

because_______________________________________________________________

3. Thank you for ________________________________________________________

because_______________________________________________________________

---

Owen M. Griffith is a grateful teacher, guitar instructor, writer, educational consultant, blogger, and musician, residing with his wife and son in North Georgia. Owen has designed and led professional developments for educators pertaining to gratitude and growth mindset, as well as other social-emotional learning tools. Through his blog and articles on Huffington Post and Edutopia, he has shared ideas with educators around the world. His upcoming book, Gratitude: A Way of Teaching, will further that endeavor.

My First Year Teaching - The Courage to Teach with Gratitude

My First Year Teaching -The Courage to Teach with Gratitude

By: Owen M. Griffith

Teaching is a challenging endeavor. With all the demands on a teacher’s time and energy, it is easy to lose the enthusiasm that brought us into the classroom. The situation is not getting any easier with new requirements added to our load, including standardized testing and dealing with changing curriculum.

My first year teaching, I entered the classroom with idealistic dreams. I went through extra training in pedagogy that tempered those lofty goals and gave me many tools I was anxious to use.  I taught 7^th grade science in an inner-city school and saw 120 students a day. Sadly, within a few weeks of dealing with a multitude of challenges, I quickly slipped into survival mode and questioned my decision to become a teacher.  But, small and sometimes tremendous miracles did happen that kept me moving forward and opened me up to the true rewards of teaching.

The Courage to Teach

Of all the things I have done in my life, getting through my first year of teaching was by far my most challenging undertaking. Early that year, another new teacher saw that I was struggling and generously gave me a book she had been reading that really helped her, Parker Palmer’s book, The Courage to Teach. Here is a link to the book:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Courage-Teach-Exploring-Anniversary/dp/0787996866

Immediately, Parker’s ideas about how important it is for teachers to renew their heart, mind, and spirit made a tremendous impact on me. I realized that through all the stress of teaching, I was not spending any time reflecting, connecting with other teachers, or taking time to replenish my spirit. One of my neglected practices was developing gratitude by making a list of things I was thankful for. This was recommended to me by a friend, and I always felt the benefits when I actually did it.

When I wrote my gratitude list, I built an optimistic attitude through all the challenges of that first year.  A fellow teacher commented that even though my first year was tough and she saw me struggle, I kept the most positive attitude she had ever seen. That constructive outlook did help me, but I didn’t see how it could apply with the students yet.

 With some of the ideas from Parker Palmer’s book and practicing my attitude of gratitude in the classroom, I would occasionally reach those transcendent moments where I did authentically connect with the students and felt the magic materialize. Here is one of the moments:

An Angel Sings for Me

One day, I came across one of my student, Angel, sitting in the hallway with some sheet music. I asked, “Are you a musician?” She said, “No, but I love to sing and I am learning a new song.” I asked her if she would sing for me, but Angel said, “No, Mr. Griffith, I am too shy.” As I walked away I said, “Someday, when you are ready, you will sing for me.”

Then, a month later, Angel saw me in the hallway and said, “Mr. Griffith, I am ready today.” I tried to think about what she meant. Through the tornado of activity that first month, I forgot about that previous interaction. But she brought out the sheet music, and I suddenly remembered it all. I realized that she had been working for a month on the song and getting her courage up just for this day. I asked her if she would perform for the class, but she said, “No, I will sing just for you.”

That day, when the students all exited the classroom, she closed her eyes, and a voice came out of her that fit her name. It truly seemed like an angel had entered the classroom as she sang. I closed my eyes and enjoyed listening to her share her musical talent.

As I listened, I also realized the power to inspire we have as teachers and that when we challenge our students, they will often respond positively. In addition, she inspired me to bring my guitar into the classroom and share music with my students, integrating it into the lessons I would teach. While she grew in her courage through this interaction, I grew in my ability to connect with my students by seeing that there are many ways to reach students outside the traditional paradigms.

However, many nights, I would still wake up at 3 AM, haunted by all the things going wrong with my teaching. This is when I would remember the book, The Courage to Teach, about nourishing my spirit and I would think of a few things I was grateful for in the classroom, like connecting with Angel.

 This kept me going through those darkest hours when quitting teaching starting sounding appealing. But I persevered and I am so grateful I did. If I would have quit, I would have robbed myself of some of the most transformative experiences of my life and the opportunity to connect with others, like helping to start a thriving community of teachers at our school that still meets weekly and continues to help us all grow as educators and human beings.

A Teaching Community is Created

One day, my partner teacher looked at me and said that our discussions about gratitude and growing spiritually had such a powerful and positive impact on both of us; we should share it with the school. Thus began our little group of teachers that developed into a community of educators that meets each Wednesday before school to support each other in the classroom and renew our spirits.

For that first meeting, we all brought home-made baked goodies and I brewed up the fresh coffee. We let the group take shape authentically, as people volunteered to bring books, quotes, and the practices that enabled them to connect with their students and stay strong through the long school year. Our supportive spiritual community was created without any real effort, it came into being.

Each Wednesday, at 7 AM, we would talk about things going on in our classrooms and lives that we needed help with. We would also celebrate the victories with students.  Sometimes we would conduct book studies. One time, I even brought my guitar and sang an inspirational song with the choir teacher.

Members would often bring encouraging quotes, from favorite authors, the Bible, or other spiritual wisdom. Copies of the quotes were always made so we could put it by our computer monitors, reminding us through the week that we are not alone in the classroom but are connected to our fellow educators, even though it may not feel that way sometimes.

At that time, I was not aware of the Touchstones from the Center for Courage and Renewal. 

Here is a link to the Center for Courage and Renewal:

http://www.couragerenewal.org/

As I review them now, I see that they naturally came about in the group. It is definitely a sacred space where people can share their stories and be vulnerable. The “Circle of Trust” developed organically as people were willing to share openly and at a depth that established a profound level of connection.

Accordingly, this level of connection provided a feeling of acceptance, empathy, healing, and compassion that translated to our teaching practices as well as our personal lives. One of our group members lost her father suddenly and some of us were able to share similar experiences and help her process her grief. This probably would not have happened without the group.

On the days when we still meet, I find my school day goes smoother as I more easily connect with students, parents, and colleagues. On these days, the little annoying things don’t bother me and I feel much more connected to my colleagues and students. The joy of teaching shines through.

Not surprisingly, the students notice these changes and inquire curiously. I tell them about our group and the power of taking part in a vibrant community of educators. One simple idea I share from a colleague is, “When I share a problem with the group I trust, it is cut in half and when I share a victory, it is doubled.”

Still Teaching with Courage and Gratitude

Now, 11 years later, I continue to use the power of gratitude and The Courage to Teach as I pass it on to students and colleagues, especially new teachers. In our classroom, we continue to reap the benefits of practicing gratitude, as we write gratitude lists, gratitude letters, and initiate student-led, altruistic projects that take our “attitude of gratitude” into action.

In a recent interview that Parker Palmer gave on the radio show, On Being, Parker asked a compelling questions, “What do I need to do right now, to water the roots of inner wisdom that makes work fruitful?” I still ask myself that question and when I truly reflect, the answers always come, guiding and inspiring me.

As I write about my first year of teaching and contemplate what we all can do to water our roots of inner wisdom, I am reminded of that sad statistic, that 50 percent of all new teachers leave the profession in the first 3-5 years. I know that some of those teachers would stay if they could read The Courage to Teach and practice some of the principles put forth by the Center for Courage and Renewal, like being grateful for the opportunity to be an educator and truly make a difference in this world.

Rising Strong #2 and Writing to Heal

My last blog was about Brene Brown’s book, Rising Strong. I have finished the book and here are some more thoughts:

One of the powerful aspects of Rising Strong is the way Brown writes about becoming a “wholehearted” person along with recognizing our shame and vulnerability. Brown says that wholeheartedness means “cultivating courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, ‘No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.’ It’s going to bed at night thinking, ‘Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am brave and worthy of love and belonging.’”

Personally, I have known a few people who get stuck in the first aspect of this book, they are aware of their shame and vulnerability, but they get trapped in that. They turn into “victims.” I had one friend who would preface statements by saying, “I came from a dysfunctional family.” At one point, I had to tell her that we all came from dysfunctional families and our task now is to work through that dysfunction and pain, so we don’t have to pass it on to those in our lives today or to our children.  This idea helped her and it also helped me work on my own dysfunction without being enslaved by it.

In the book, Brown does give some tools and action we all can do to process our shame and vulnerability and become more wholehearted. One thing she writes about are the benefits of "writing to heal." She gives some helpful guidelines. First of all, she says that when we are upset, resentful, angry, fearful or feeling shame, we should just jot down “the story,” what we are telling ourselves. So much of time, this “story” going on in our heads is snowballing. Just writing it down, on a computer, iPhone, paper, or post it note, gives us some perspective and takes power away from it.

One humorous thing Brown says is that we should write a S. F. D. That stands for Short First Draft, but you can substitute a more colorful S-word for some humor. In your SFD, try to include these aspects of the “story I'm making up”:

·       My emotions

·       My body

·       My thinking

·       My beliefs

·       My actions

It can be short, even just a few sentences, addressing each of these aspect. Then, if we have someone we can trust, share it with them. Brown articulately states: 
“When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we own our stories, we get to write the ending.”

I am grateful that I can own my story and share it with a few close friends. Even when we are working, I can call one of them and get the details of my SFD out in 1-2 minutes. They do the same with me and it always feels good to help. Here is something else interesting about calling a friend to share, even when I just leave a voice-mail, summarizing what is going on with me, I feel much better.

The action of writing intuitively makes sense and is one of those tools that works in my life. But, I appreciate Brown citing the scientific research that shows that this is an effective action and worth our time and effort. James Pennebaker, a researcher at the University of Texas, Austin and author of Writing to Heal, says that writing helps us translate difficult and messy experiences into language that is “graspable.”

Pennebaker says, “Emotional upheavals touch every part of our lives. You don’t just lose a job, you don’t just get divorced. These things affect all aspects of who we are - our financial situation, our relationships with others, our view of ourselves, our issues of life and death. Writing helps us focus and organize our experience.”

In an interesting study, subjects were asked to write about emotional upheavals for 15-20 minutes for 4 days in a row. Subjects reported a decrease of anxiety, rumination, and depressive symptoms, as well as an increase in their immune systems. 

Check out more details on "Writing to Heal" at: https://www.utexas.edu/features/2005/writing/

Another subject Brown writes about is how men and women handle shame differently. She says that men are more likely to express anger than admit that they feel shame.  

Brown sums up this dynamic well:

“Show me a woman who can hold space for a man in real fear and vulnerability, and I’ll show you a woman who’s learned to embrace her own vulnerability and who doesn’t derive her power or status from that man. Show me a man who can sit with a woman in real fear and vulnerability and just hear her struggle without trying to fix it or give advice, and I’ll show you a man who’s comfortable with his own vulnerability and doesn’t derive his power from being Oz, the all-knowing and all-powerful.”

Here is a last quote from Teddy Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly...who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

May we all “dare greatly” to be open and vulnerable, tempered with strength and resiliency. Above all, may we all help each other grow with the healing of love.

Rising Strong

Recently, I have been enjoying Brene Brown's most recent book, Rising Strong. She explores shame, vulnerability, and living a whole-hearted life. One of her previous books, The Gifts of Imperfection, helped me cultivate a new awareness of shame and the process we can take to becoming happily and usefully whole.

Brown defines shame as feeling “I am bad” versus the feeling of guilt, which is “I did something bad.” She says guilt can help us grow and learn, but shame can take us down for the count. If we are aware of our feelings of shame and grow curious about them, as well as working on those feelings by talking to others, we may still retain the ability to be vulnerable and connect with others. Then, we are on the journey to wholehearted life. I like the way she writes about the ability we all have to “write a new ending to our story.”

Here is a quote she gives, encompassing much of the book’s ideas:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries, avoids all entanglements. Lock it up in a casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C. S. Lewis

Similarly, when I was young, I heard an Irish Priest talk about the idea of walking around with our hands open or our fists clenched tight. He said that if we have open hands, we have the incredible ability to open doors, touch others, and feel many things. But, those open hands sometimes get fingers caught in doors and hurt. After some people get their fingers injured, they close their fists and decide it is better to live what feels like a safe life, instead of being vulnerable and risk being wounded again.

However, they lose the ability to open doors, to give hugs or presents, and the possibility of holding hands or touching others. As I look back on this idea, I realize that if I want to help others, I must keep my hand open and even stretch them out to others. Then, I can feel that connection that may make us “whole-hearted.”

Brown sums it up by saying, “Vulnerability-the willingness to show up and be seen with no guarantee of the outcome-is the only path to more love, belonging, and joy.” Her book is all about opening up and finding the courage to keep growing and build up a resilience to withstand heartache and still be able to grow with love.

I am just finishing the book and will write more about my discoveries soon. Pick up a copy of Rising Strong, if you get a chance, and let me know what you think.

The Upside of Stress

We have all heard how detrimental stress is to our physical and mental health. It seems the thing to do is avoid stress, but that is an impossible task. Well, here is some good news from Dr. Kelly McGonigal. She says that we can transform stress into something good in our lives.

As you might expect, this is not easy. But in her book, The Upside of Stress, Why Stress is Good for You and How to Get Good at It, she gives compelling research as well as some simple tools to understand how stress can be a positive force in our lives.

First of all, she says that finding value in stressful experiences helps. When we see that our struggles have a purpose and can make us grow stronger and potentially more resilient, the toxic effects of stress are transformed into constructive growth.

McGonigal gives us the following exercise to help us and our children/students turn stress into something good in our lives:

"Bring to mind a stressful experience from your past in which you persevered or learned something important. Take a few moments to think about what that experience taught you about your strengths and how to cope with stress. Then, set a timer to fifteen minutes and write about your experience, addressing any or all of the following questions:

• What did you do that helped you get through it? What personal resources did you draw on, and what strengths did you use? Did you seek out information, advice, or any other kind of support?
• What did this experience teach you about how to deal with adversity?
• How did this experience make you stronger?

Now think about a current situation you are struggling through.

•  Which of these strengths and resources can you draw on in this situation?
• Are there any coping skills or strengths you want to develop? If so, how could you begin to do so using this situation as an opportunity to grow?”

After McGonigal gave this intervention to some students, they shared stories of family hardships, academic struggles, strained friendships, and racial discrimination. Even though the individual stories were different, everyone had experienced failure, frustration, and setbacks. Quickly, they found they had all experienced stress. Thus, they could all help each other deal with these challenges in a positive manner. One student said that he found a commonality in all their stories of success, that when they all reached out for help, it enabled them to overcome obstacles and achieve success. This was a breakthrough for many students.

An interesting follow-up is that one student sent McGonigal a note a few months after this exercise, saying she had just started college and it was harder than she thought it would be, but she was persevering because she had learned from McGonigal's exercise that it was alright to reach out for help.

Here are some truly astonishing results from McGonigal’s research:

• Stress increases risks of health problems, except when people regularly give back to their community.
• Stress increases the risk of dying, except when people feel a sense of purpose.
• Stress increases the risk of depression, except when people see the benefit in their challenges.
• Stress can be paralyzing, except when people perceive themselves as capable.

McGonigal finally states, “For every harmful outcome you can think of, there’s an exception that erases the expected association between stress and something bad - and often replaces it with an unexpected benefit.”